1. I know that i'm not the smartest person in the world. I know that i was pretty dumb before during primary school and everything. But hearing from my grandma that my parents had no faith in me making it into selective and that i only made it in because i had been doing tutoring ever since i was in Yr 1 was a low blow. It hurts to know that my parents as well as my granmda, the people i want the most to believe in me, actually didn't even have faith in me at one point.
2. It kills me to find that i can't express how i am feeling to those that i care most about. There are some times when i just wanna say "I love you" or do simple things such as hugging to show them how much they mean to me. But there is always something holding me back, something stopping me from just going ahead and doing just what i want to do. It scares me to know that i can't show how i love them. I start to wonder...how will i find the person i love and show them that i love them if i can't even express how i feel? Will there really be a person out there who will be able to break this barrier that i have unconsciously put around myself that even i don't have the strength to break?
3. Seeing someone i really care about being down or hurting inside or crying and me knowing that but being helpless. I know that they are hurting and i really do want to comfort them, but i can't seem to do that. And if i even try, it seems rather awkward or fake.
4. Knowing that someone very close to me is leaving to somewhere very far away and not being able to express how much she means to me because i just can't
5. Holding myself back from things that i really want to do because of my cowardness/ shyness.
6. Pushing away people that care about me because i don't know how to deal with the affection they show me
7. Not being able to find what really defines me in life
8. Not being able to be proud of who i am and always worrying about what others think of me, shaping myself to suit others' likings
There are probably hundreds more but i think you get the gist.
~Aurora
Monday, June 29, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
It's been a while
Long time no talk!
Wow..i just realised i haven't been on blogspot for ages! I've been reading other people's blogs and i've realised just how much i have missed out on.
I never realised that people are still upset about Rae leaving. Everyone seems fine at school that i assumed they accepted it already. But i now know that is not the case. A lot has been going on recently that i've just been all over the place, not really having time to actually sit down and think. Reading those posts about Rae just makes me wanna cry again. I don't even know if i have accepted the fact that she is leaving yet. I mean, we are planning her farewell party and everything, but i dunno. This week, i have barely talked to her at all. I still worry that we are slowly drifting apart, but it's depressing to know that i can't really deal with it now that all these test and stuff have decided to pop up. Looking at Michelle's blog and seeing the actual date that Rae is leaving, it really freaked me out. I mean, i know she is leaving, but i never actual knew that actual date and didn't want to. I'm really scared now. But i suppose we'll just have to spend the rest of the time left having as much fun as we can!
Also, i didn't realise you were having problems at home Lucy. I'm so sorry for not being there for you when you needed someone. I just wanna say that i understand how you feel. I used to think that my dad liked Jessica the best, my mum liked Wendy the best and my grandma liked Belinda the best and i was just a left over..sort of like a nusiance. Sometimes, i still think that. But that's not true. A mother will always love her children no matter what. For example, my grandma is always saying bad stuff about Belinda and saying how she is so untidy and everything but you can tell that she loves and cares about her the most. Although your mother scolds you and always complains, know that deep down she does love you. I don't think she would ever hate you. Maybe she just has a hard time expressing herself. I know i have trouble expressing how i feel and showing those i care about and love that i actually do care about them. I think, what Carmen said is right, communication is a key point. Try talking to her, understanding how she actually feels. I don't know if any of that helps but..yea. Know that I'll always be here for you if you ever need me :) So don't be afraid to call me at like 3am in the morning to rant on about how you feel :D
Crap..i'm starting to feel a little down. Think happy thoughts! Haha..
I think this stress is getting to me. She's really leaving, isn't she? No matter how many times it's been said, it will always be a shock to me.
I don't know what to say anymore so i shall just end it off like this. I will go wallow in self pity now
Wow..i just realised i haven't been on blogspot for ages! I've been reading other people's blogs and i've realised just how much i have missed out on.
I never realised that people are still upset about Rae leaving. Everyone seems fine at school that i assumed they accepted it already. But i now know that is not the case. A lot has been going on recently that i've just been all over the place, not really having time to actually sit down and think. Reading those posts about Rae just makes me wanna cry again. I don't even know if i have accepted the fact that she is leaving yet. I mean, we are planning her farewell party and everything, but i dunno. This week, i have barely talked to her at all. I still worry that we are slowly drifting apart, but it's depressing to know that i can't really deal with it now that all these test and stuff have decided to pop up. Looking at Michelle's blog and seeing the actual date that Rae is leaving, it really freaked me out. I mean, i know she is leaving, but i never actual knew that actual date and didn't want to. I'm really scared now. But i suppose we'll just have to spend the rest of the time left having as much fun as we can!
Also, i didn't realise you were having problems at home Lucy. I'm so sorry for not being there for you when you needed someone. I just wanna say that i understand how you feel. I used to think that my dad liked Jessica the best, my mum liked Wendy the best and my grandma liked Belinda the best and i was just a left over..sort of like a nusiance. Sometimes, i still think that. But that's not true. A mother will always love her children no matter what. For example, my grandma is always saying bad stuff about Belinda and saying how she is so untidy and everything but you can tell that she loves and cares about her the most. Although your mother scolds you and always complains, know that deep down she does love you. I don't think she would ever hate you. Maybe she just has a hard time expressing herself. I know i have trouble expressing how i feel and showing those i care about and love that i actually do care about them. I think, what Carmen said is right, communication is a key point. Try talking to her, understanding how she actually feels. I don't know if any of that helps but..yea. Know that I'll always be here for you if you ever need me :) So don't be afraid to call me at like 3am in the morning to rant on about how you feel :D
Crap..i'm starting to feel a little down. Think happy thoughts! Haha..
I think this stress is getting to me. She's really leaving, isn't she? No matter how many times it's been said, it will always be a shock to me.
I don't know what to say anymore so i shall just end it off like this. I will go wallow in self pity now
Monday, June 8, 2009
Useless fighting
Hello.
Today doesn't seem to be a very good day for me. I'm scared i'm returning back into the darkness once more. It's amazing how fast my emotions can change. One day i'm happy and crazy, the next i'm depressed and emotionless.
I had a fight with my mum today. It's frightening because that has never really happened to me before...not for a very long time anyways. I just...blew up. One minute we were speaking fine and the next she was telling me not be get jealous/pissed and i just exploded. I mean, i wasn't jealous or pissed but the mere fact that she is always telling me not be jealous/pissed when i wasn't going to be or was just made me so pissed off. How ironic. And i just shouted at her, telling her that whenever she says that i go from not being pissed off to being pissed. And geez..she says that i look like i'm pissed...greeeeaaattt, just what i want to hear. So i just ignore her even when she says sorry because i just couldn't take it.
It's scary because usually i can keep my feelings at bay. But god, i don't know what i have turned into. Haha, they say karma comes and bites you in the butt. It certainly did to me. I was hungry and my dad had said to eat the old stuff to get it out of the way. So i went and microwaved the food only to realise it was off. Then i decided to go eat the other food he suggested only to find out it was something i wasn't very fond of.
I don't know what the hell is going on again. I'm worried about what i am turning into. I don't want to argue with my mum. I'm usually the one keeping the peace or at least avoiding any arguments, not the one starting them.
On another note, i am also worried about Rae. I don't know if it is just me overanalysing things but i dunno...she seems to be very silent during lunchtimes. Not really talking to the group. I'm scared she's trying to distant herself from us subtly. It doesn't seem the case since she seems fine..but maybe she has a mask on like me...or not. I'm just paranoid i suppose. It hurts that we aren't as close as we usually were. I actually think we are drifting apart and that is something i don't want happening, especially during these last few weeks. But god, i just don't know what to say when i am around her.
I just feel so shit about everything.
~Aurora
Today doesn't seem to be a very good day for me. I'm scared i'm returning back into the darkness once more. It's amazing how fast my emotions can change. One day i'm happy and crazy, the next i'm depressed and emotionless.
I had a fight with my mum today. It's frightening because that has never really happened to me before...not for a very long time anyways. I just...blew up. One minute we were speaking fine and the next she was telling me not be get jealous/pissed and i just exploded. I mean, i wasn't jealous or pissed but the mere fact that she is always telling me not be jealous/pissed when i wasn't going to be or was just made me so pissed off. How ironic. And i just shouted at her, telling her that whenever she says that i go from not being pissed off to being pissed. And geez..she says that i look like i'm pissed...greeeeaaattt, just what i want to hear. So i just ignore her even when she says sorry because i just couldn't take it.
It's scary because usually i can keep my feelings at bay. But god, i don't know what i have turned into. Haha, they say karma comes and bites you in the butt. It certainly did to me. I was hungry and my dad had said to eat the old stuff to get it out of the way. So i went and microwaved the food only to realise it was off. Then i decided to go eat the other food he suggested only to find out it was something i wasn't very fond of.
I don't know what the hell is going on again. I'm worried about what i am turning into. I don't want to argue with my mum. I'm usually the one keeping the peace or at least avoiding any arguments, not the one starting them.
On another note, i am also worried about Rae. I don't know if it is just me overanalysing things but i dunno...she seems to be very silent during lunchtimes. Not really talking to the group. I'm scared she's trying to distant herself from us subtly. It doesn't seem the case since she seems fine..but maybe she has a mask on like me...or not. I'm just paranoid i suppose. It hurts that we aren't as close as we usually were. I actually think we are drifting apart and that is something i don't want happening, especially during these last few weeks. But god, i just don't know what to say when i am around her.
I just feel so shit about everything.
~Aurora
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Lazy~
Hey all,
Sigh....i think i've become a lazy ass. I can barely get any work done and i am always procrastinating nowadays. What's worse is that when i procrastinate it is nothing really worth mentioning because it is practically just sitting around doing nothing. It's sad to know that my life is going to such a waste. I could be doing stuff that would actually be worthwhile but i just can't seem to do it.
I have a science research project due soon and i have barely started and it is really beginning to worry me. However, i cannot get myself to do anything very productive on it to ease my mind. I realise i have so much to do and yet i sit around doing absolutely nothing. Wasting the time i could be spending doing something much more important.
I don't know what to do...
~Aurora
Sigh....i think i've become a lazy ass. I can barely get any work done and i am always procrastinating nowadays. What's worse is that when i procrastinate it is nothing really worth mentioning because it is practically just sitting around doing nothing. It's sad to know that my life is going to such a waste. I could be doing stuff that would actually be worthwhile but i just can't seem to do it.
I have a science research project due soon and i have barely started and it is really beginning to worry me. However, i cannot get myself to do anything very productive on it to ease my mind. I realise i have so much to do and yet i sit around doing absolutely nothing. Wasting the time i could be spending doing something much more important.
I don't know what to do...
~Aurora
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