Nearly Christmas!

Hey people!

Since it's less than 2 hours till Christmas, I thought I'd put up a little post to shout out to all my friends out there :)

I hope you all have wonderful Christmases filled with lots of laughter, happiness, fun and love!

May all your dreams come true and everyday be filled with laughter. After all, laughter is the best medicine!

I don't think I've ever really celebrated Christmas, so I hope that you will have a great one. So then, in some twisted way, I'll have a great one knowing that you had a great one...yeah...

To raerae, I hope that you're first Christmas in Canada will be filled with lots of fun and excitement. Promise me to embrace the Christmas spirit and go out there and have fun! As much as I would love for your first Christmas to be a white Christmas, it doesn't really seem like it's going to happen. But I cross my fingers for you! Make sure you enjoy your Christmas and don't stop smiling!

To Mishy, I hope you have a brilliant Christmas in HK (i think that's where you are). I'm sure you've bought all your Christmas presents for yourself since stuff over there is so cheap as you've fully stressed over your blog. I hope you've had a wonderful time over there and that you have an exciting Christmas Day. :)

To Carmen, i know you are going to go overseas on Christmas Day. So I wish you a safe and fun-filled Christmas Day flying to New Zealand...I think. May you have heaps and heaps of fun and enjoy your well deserved holiday.

To Lucy, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. I can't remember if you said you were going to a Christmas party with your family or if you were staying home alone. But whichever it is, I hope it will be a fun filled day that won't be just another day. If you want to have someone to talk to, feel free to ring me. And we'll nag about how dull our Christmas days are and plan our future gigantic Christmas parties :D

To Thuy, I wish you a magnificant Christmas. May laughter fill your household and you enjoy the day with your family. I know that you and your family are always laughing, so I rest assure knowing your Christmas Day will not be a dull one :)

To Jenny, I hope you have a lovely Christmas with your family. May your wishes come true and you recieve all the presents that you wanted.

And finally, to Karin (even though she probably won't read this), I wish you a beautiful Christmas in Japan. You are so lucky! I hope you fully take in your wonderful surrounding on Christmas day. Ahh...a White Christmas. How truly gorgeous that would be!

Anyways, I hope everyone has an absolutely brilliant day tomorrow filled with joy, laughter and loooveeee!

Tata
~Aurora

P.S. I can't believe I took the time to alternate colours...I am truly insane...

DVDs i want to watch

Hey people :)

Under the suggestion of Lucy, I have decided to compile a list of movies that I would love to watch. And because Lucy has also been on my case of not writing on my blog, I've decided to write up my list on my blog. So I'm killing two bird with one stone...(i think that's how the saying goes...meh...whatever)

So here it is:

• The Ugly Truth
• Coraline (because of Lucy)
• Mao's Last Dancer
• Four Holidays
• Alvin and the Chipmunks
• Madagascar 1 & 2 (I watched parts of the first one)
• Confessions of a Shopaholic
• The Duchess
• My Sister's Keeper (maybe)
• The Other Boleyn Girl
• Forrest Gump
• Make It Happen
• A Good Man is Hard To Find
• Virgin Territory
• Feast of Love
• Picture Perfect
• Stomp the Yard
• Closer
• Up
• Sliding Doors
• Fame
• Did You Hear About the Morgans?
• Juno
• Step Brothers
• What Happens in Vegas
• I Hate Valentine's Day
• Wedding Daze
• Another Cinderella Story
• My Best Friend's Girl
• House Bunny
• My Super Ex-Girlfriend
• Made of Honour
• I Love You, Man
• Over Her Dead Body
• John Tucker Must Die
• The Holiday
• Failure to Launch
• Bewitched
• Sleepless In Seattle
• Raising Helen

I'd like to say that that is it but it's far from it. There are still more than 200 pages on the Video Ezy website for me to go through...I don't even know why I bother. But I do :)

I dunno...after looking at all these movies, I've realised how much I've missed and how much I need to watch. I think it will be a really exciting journey for me!

Also...on another note, I think my dad thinks I like to watch nude stuff. Hahaha...well, I think it was because of the movie marathon I had yesterday.

My second movie marathon consisted of:
- The Proposal
- The Ghost of Girlfriends Past
- Good Luck Chuck
- The Women

And well, the thing with me is that I don't usually look at the ratings of the movies. So it turned out that Good Luck Chuck was MA+15. Let me just say, there was a lot of nudity and sex scenes in the front bit...which was really disturbing for me and my little sister...And well, my dad happened to come around the wrong times, even a little in the Ghost of Girlfriends Past, except without the nudity, just very hot makeout sessions. And yeah...he thinks I watch inappropriate stuff now...so embarrassing!

Hahaha...well, I'll keep you updated on all the movies I have watched and all the movies that I want to watch.

Tata for now. And if I don't post on Christmas, have an absolutely wonderful Christmas this year :)

~Aurora

It's been 49 days since my grandmother passed away. Saying it out loud, it's sorta scary.

As we knelt in front of the monks as they sang hymns, I prayed that my grandmother could finally be happy. I hope that she can finally rest in peace and reunite with my grandfather.

While kneeling, I also thought about my own life. And i somehow realised that I'd slowly crawled back into my own little shell again. For a while, I'd actually opened up a little to the world, being a little more daring and out there. But after work experience and the start of the holidays, I've slowly entered back into my little shell. The laziness in me has slowly but surely reappeared and the motivation that I had began to obtain, all but disappeared in the blink of an eye.

I'd been so sure that I'd be offered a job at the Cafe that I didn't think it wouldn't happen. When it didn't happen, I didn't lose hope just yet, reassuring myself that as long as I asked, I would be sure to get myself the job. However, as the days dragged on, I slowly lost faith in myself and my ability to waltz up there and ask for a job. And now I sit here on my lazy ass, no faith at all whatsoever that I'll get the job I once fantasized getting.

The fact that I get so discouraged and lose motivation so easily scares the hell out of me. Why am I so lazy? I know that I should try harder, but I just get so tired all the time that it's hard to summon up the energy to do so.

I've actually been very happy lately. And that's a good thing. But my lack of goals and actual point in life depresses the hell out of me. All I wanna do is crawl into my bed and never come out.

I need someone or something to pull me out of this state. To get me to do actual worthwhile things. I need to do something practical and not just sit on my lazy ass, passing time by sitting in front of the computer. But what exactly is it?

Until I figure out what the hell I need to do, I'm just gonna be wasting my time doing nothing at all. Maybe I'll venture out to the park tomorrow armed with a book. Hmmm...but maybe not. I often say I'll do things but when the time comes, I always dismiss it. It's an awful habit of mine, but something that I can't help but do.

Anyways, I'm off to snuggle up in bed with a book.

~Aurora

To our sweet loving Rae Rae!

Hey sweetie!

Just wanna wish you a very happy happy Birthday!!! You are now 16, unofficially allowed to drive, as you said.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RAERAE!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUUUUU!

Haha...i hope today will be an absolutely brilliant day for you, filled with lots of love and kisses :D

16 only comes around once, so make sure you make the most of it. Flaunt it my dear!

I hope you receive lots of lovely, beautiful presents and a gigantic cake!

May all you wishes come true and you always be the smiling, beautiful and bubbly girl :)

I love you sweetie :):)

~Aurora

Baking for Christmas

Heya all!

Today, I had a fun day :)

It all started at Hurstville, where i met up with my good good friend Katharine :D We wondered around for a bit...not really knowing where to go first. But in the end we figured it out and got to work to buy ingredients. An hour or so later, we finally got on the bus, on our way back to my place, packed with: butter, icing decorating pens, mince beef, 1kg chat potatoes, milk and a dozen of eggs.

It was only at home that i realised we forgot to buy puff pastry, but luckily my grandma was out and could buy it for me on her way home :)

So, we fooled around for a little bit. Eating some snacks and baking some chips and smileys before getting to work. Firstly we have to gather all the ingredients we needed. Then we started to measure things and put them in bowls. Haha...somehow, we read the recipe wrong and accidently put the sugar with the flour. It was a bitch separately the two, but thankfully we had not yet mixed them together so it wasn't too bad. The salt ended up with the sugar but that was okay too :D

Oh...we also nearly made the mistake of cracking the egg into the sugar, when we were suppose to beat the butter with the sugar first. Thankfully, we realised before we put the egg in but it was a close call. However, we accidently already put the vanilla extract in (imitation vanilla extract to be exact). It didn't really matter though. Hehe..

After that, we managed to do everything correctly, always reading and re-reading the recipe to make sure we were doing the right things. The dough turned out really well. We even made a face out of the dough. (katharine took pictures of that :D). We called him Butterboy.

Eventually we had to cut Butterboy in half and wrap it in cling wrap before placing them in the refrigerator to harden. We then proceeded to go upstairs to see if we could find some clothes i could wear tomorrow. However, we only succeeded in separating the nice shirts from the ugly ones before having to leave.

We went to Kingsgrove Public School, our old primary school to visit Ms K, our yr 6 teacher. However, she wasn't around. We were able to write her a note, before forwarding out of our old class room, away from our dearly missed primary school and on our trek back to my house.

By the time we got home and set up to cut the cookie into shapes, the dough had hardened and Katharine had a fun time, bashing the dough into the table to loosen it up. We then got to work, rolling out the dough and cutting out pieces, lining it up on baking paper before putting it into the fridge to keep its shape. Then we started on the next one. The same process, except this time, Katharine insisted on rolling the dough over and over again to cut out shapes as not to waste the dough.

Our cookies turned out pretty well...except for it being a little too crunchy. Hehe..sorry Thuy.

We then proceeded to make our icing. At first when we finished beating two egg whites, 3 cups of icing sugar and lemon juice, it turned into a huge clomp of what i cannot even begin to explain. But after placing another egg white into the mixture, it turned out into a nice thick icing. We then split the mixture into half and put green and red food colouring in. Unfortunately, the colouring didn't turn out according to plan and we ended up with pink and very light green icing.

Then came the spreading part. For some reason, i just couldn't get my icing to spread evenly across the cookie and while Katharine had no problems spreading hers perfectly, mine came out like sand paper surfaces :P We then used the decorating pens to decorate the cookies, one at a time, each with a bit of love and heaps of patience :D

And finally, it's done!

There you have it people :):)

Aiya..i realised i'm such a ditz. I bought pork mince instead of beef mince...I hope you guys don't mind..it won't make that much of a difference would it??

Anyways, i better fly. I still have heaps of things to do. I gotta get off my ass and do them :)

Cya,

~Aurora

It has been a wonderful adventure, this past week. When I first went to look for a place to do work experience, I had been aiming to work at a bakery, where I could learn how to bake beautiful cakes. However, it didn't go according to plan and I ended up working at Miami Ice instead. At first, I dreaded it. I was so afraid I would break something or do something wrong or that they would find me a nusiance.

The first day: I was absolutely frightened. I wasn't exaggerating when I said I was hardly able to breathe. The butterflies in my stomach were unbearable and I was shell-shocked. Walking towards the cafe was so scary. But once I got there, everything sort of patted out. I met Mark, the bigger boss of the partnership and Aaron, my supervisor (and the manager of Miami Ice?). Both were nice and I was shown the ropes by Mark. I had come extremely early and my first job for the day was folding napkins. A little later, I met Kirsty, a really nice girl who was a few weeks pregnant, and Bert, the cook, who was also nice. I also met Rachel later on, who was new to Miami but had worked at one of the other cafes. Mark showed us the Dock and the storage area for Miami in Colonnade, in case we were sent there. My day consisted of folding napkins, washing, cleaning and serving. By the end of the day, I was extremely tired and fell straight to sleep as soon as I got home.

Oh before I head on to the next day, I should probably mention that I was a little intimidated by Aaron. He wasn't mean or anything, he was actually really nice. But I don't know why, I was a little scared of him. Lucy thinks that I maybe like him but I'm not too sure. Ever since Lucy put that idea in my mind, I've been constantly contemplating about it and maybe even tricked myself into believing I did but I really don't think I do.

Anyways, Day 2: As usual, I was having a mini-hyperventilating in the morning. I was relieved to see Steph and we ended up having a little chat before we went off in opposite directions. I met Steph, another really nice girl and Jonathan, a work experience person like me, except he had been there for quite some time. It was the same as usual. Oohh..i got to learn how to make a milkshake though...(it was either day 2 or day 3).

I was sent to Sul Ponte on Day 2 as well. it was there that I met Sevy, the funny, kind and lovely manager of Sul Ponte, Nicole, a really cool, sweet girl with the nicest blue eyes that I have ever seen and Matt, the funny, quirky cook who sings as he cooks in the back. It was here that I actually began to like my work experience a whole lot more. The environment was great and I really felt as if I was a part of something. And though there were a few cons such as the fact that it was mostly a smoking area and there were teenage customers ( i can't handle them well), it was thoroughly enjoyable. I secretly rejoiced everytime Aaron sent me off to Sul Ponte. Hehe. I finished Day 2 at Sul Ponte before heading home and falling asleep.

Day 3: I met Sam, a nice guy..though i didn't really talk to him much (i don't think he really liked me much..just thought of me as a helper..but that's just my assumption) and Todd, another barista who is actually pretty nice behind a scary looking exterior. It was another hectic day, filled with lots of washing and cleaning and serving.

At Sul Ponte, I met Donny, a really nice guy and Nathan, a cool dude who played nice R&B and hip-hop music in the kitchen area. Haha..i was so tempted to start swaying to the music when no one was around as I was washing up inside, but I refrained myself. I ended a little late on Day 3 as I was helping Steph and Aaron clean up at Miami but that was alright.

Day 4: I met Chole today. Coincidentally, she is the same girl I knew from primary school. And she remembered me! Haha..it was interesting. Thursday was a surprisingly busy day and there were so many dishes to wash. It was so so hectic! I think it may have had something to do with the little staff but maybe not. Bert, Nikki ( a girl who goes to my school) and this other girl came at around 4, which made me assume that on Thursdays the cafe opens later.

I didn't think I was going to Sul Ponte that day, but Aaron surprised me by telling me I was going there to work for my last hour. At Sul Ponte, I met Sarah, a girl who had really big eyes and Tracy, a really friendly girl who I was able to hold a fun conversation with.

Day 5: The last day didn't really feel like the last day at all. I did the normal rountine. Surprisingly, it wasn't as busy as I thought it would be. And we ended up preparing to close a little earlier than usual. I gave Steph the present and thanked her for having me. I then went up to Sul Ponte. It was really close to closing but I ignored that and went under the half closed door :P. I gave Sevy the present. He thanked me for all my help and said they would cherish the present (inside i was wondering how they could cherish chocolate...). He mentioned speaking to Anthony about maybe hiring me but I wasn't too sure if he was serious.

All in all, work experience has been an absolutely thrilling journey and has really opened up my eyes to the big big world out there. I had heaps of fun and learned a lot about work and the hardships and troubles that came with it.

It only hit me today that it was truly over. I think secretly, i was hoping that when i came back today to ask Anthony to help me fill out the report, that he would ask me to work part time. But that didn't happen and while I am going back on Monday to get back the report, I don't think i'm gonna get my hopes up and believe that he may ask me.

I dunno, half of me wants to work. I wanna go work there, especially at Sul Ponte. It has been an absolute pleasure and I seriously wouldn't mind working there. Although i could only probably work in the holidays. But then half of me doesn't want to work coz working signifies the start of independence and I don't know if i'm ready to start being independent. But i think the bigger part of me really wants them to ask me. I do want to work.

I'm sorta sad now after realising that it's all over. While working there, I felt like I really belonged, I was a part of something. I was floating on a cloud above everything and was so extremely happy. But when I realised that it was over, I cam crashing straight down to the ground. I feel lost once more and it is absolutely depressing.

What is it that I want exactly???

~Aurora

I feel so tired right now. There is so much on my plate and more just keeps coming. I can't keep up with it. I'm so frightened that the plate will overflow and I just won't be able to handle it.

I'm really worried about my mum. She's been having killer migraines. It started on Wednesday when she came home from work and went straight to the toilet to vomit. All you could hear was her retching in the toilet. A very unpleasant and scary situation. Jessica, with the help of myself, helped my mum get to bed and helped her try to become more comfortable before making ourselves dinner to eat. It was very worrisome. She hasn't gone to work since then. And she still gets headaches. Today my dad took her to the doctors. She apparently has high blood pressure. She told me that my grandpa died of high blood pressure because a blood vessel broke. It's scary how ever since my grandmother died, my mum has been sorta making jokes about dying. It's sickening really. How can she make such cruel jokes? The adults were talking about my mum getting a cat scan and drawing blood to check just in case. It sounds so serious. I'm really really worried about her.

Relatives from everywhere are coming to Australia soon, to attend the funeral. It's gonna be really hectic. I keep telling myself to concentrate because the SC is coming up really soon and I really don't want to fail. But I just can't get myself to concentrate or actually open the website to do some practice papers. I know I should. But I just can't be bothered. Vowing to do it tomorrow wouldn't help, because I never seem to keep the promises that I make with myself. I just hope that I will do my best and use what time I have spared to the best of my ability. I just want the SC to be over so I can worry about one less thing.

Tomorrow is the commemoration of my grandpa's death. The whole family is going over to my grandma's house to commemorate. It's gonna be a rowdy event. Which means I won't have the time to study. So I have to wake up early tomorrow to get some work done. I'm not sure what is happening on Sunday but I should probably take it one day at a time.

I scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to cope with everything that is happening. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders and that my shoulders have sagged down so low from all the weight that I am going to collapse from all of it.

Michelle mentioned how she didn't know if I was pretending to be happy and okay at school or if it was actually genuine. You know what? I really don't know myself. I guess I've pretended to be happy for so long that I can't even tell the difference between fake and genuine anymore. But I can honestly say I feel like shit at home. My only sanctuary is the korean drama that Lilian lent me. Which I have been watching 3 hours of each day. Very productive isn't it?

Funny how one single event can change my whole life completely. I'm frightened at the prospect of what will come next. What lies ahead is such a blurry mystery, the unpredicability of it is what makes me so afraid.

I wish there was someone out there who could save me. Who could hear my internal cries of help and somehow come to my rescue and give me whatever it is that I desire right now. Someone who could lift the weight off my shoulders and save me from the pain and suffering that I am going through.

I'm just so tired. So tired of everything in life. The motivation is practically non-existent and all that's left is an empty shell. An empty shell of a person who has just lost all that allows her to push on and move forward in this strange, unfamiliar world.

~Aurora

You don't know what it is worth until it is gone

Today, my grandmother passed away. I woke up to the sound of my dad telling my grandma that my grandmother had passed away. It seemed so surreal. All throughout the day at school, I could only contemplate on what was happening. What it really true? Maybe this is all just a bad dream. I just couldn't believe it.

I mean, to tell you the truth, I am not really close with my grandmother. But the thought of her passing away just makes me feel so down-hearted. So utterly despaired. The thought of losing someone that is so closely related to you is a really scary thought. I can only regret the harsh times that I treated her. My ignorance of not going to visit her when I had the oppotunity to. And now, I am only left regretting all that I could've done but did not do.

I remember a while back, my grandmother's children, a.k.a my aunties and uncles, were arguing over my grandmother. You see, my grandmother lives in all different houses, moving from one child's house to another's. And one of my uncle's wife had not wanted my grandmother to go over to her house to stay, saying that she had lots on her hands and couldn't handle having to look after my grandmother as well. Funny how she can't seem to do that but she can so easily accept the money granted to the caregiver of my grandmother so easily. The sad thing was, my grandmother's own son did not stand up for my grandmother. He sided with his wife. How cruel could that be? My parents usually work during the day and my grandma looks after the house and she even takes the time to look after my grandmother. She isn't even really related to my grandmother! And my grandmother's own daughter-in-law can't even do that?

My grandmother felt like such a burden. She considered going to retirement home. Thankfully her other children were able to persuade her that she was not a burden. I truely hope that in her last moments, she was feeling loved by all those that surrounded her and not have thought that she was a burden to the people around her.

In saying that my auntie was wrong to do what she did, I would have to look at my own case as well. I remember it was a few years back when my grandmother was staying at my house. I am always upstairs in the studying room on the computer and she is downstairs. My grandma had gone out that day and it was only me, my sister and my grandmother. Now, let me just say that I always respond to what my grandmother request when she calls for me, even if I get pissed at it. But this time when she called me, I was rather annoyed and abrupted screamed, not at her, but just screamed out in frustration. Later in the evening, I found out that she had cried because I had shouted at her. Ever since then I had sort of developed a little resentment at her.

And now, I can only repent. Repent for all the sins I had done to her. Repent for not visiting her and treating her fairly like she deserved to be treated. I yearn to beg for forgiveness from her, even though language acts as a barrier between us. But I can no longer get the chance to go this and my heart can only continue to ache in pain.

I know that deep down, under the resentment I had for her, I truly did love her. I admired all that she had achieved when she was younger. I remember hearing this story that my grandma had been telling a relative. My grandmother and grandfather had been rich a long time ago, when they were in Vietnam. They owned a fabric store, I think. And when there was the Vietnam War, my grandmother donated money to their workers in the fabric store to enable them to help their families and themselves pay to leave the dangerous country and go to a better, safer place to live. Such kindness and loyalty, I don't think I could ever possess. And yes, she was the grandmother in the short story I had written for my short story task in english for those who read it.

There was this saying once: You don't know what it is worth until it is gone. I can't begin to describe how true that statement is. She may not have been the most likeable grandmother I have ever had, but she was the only one. Losing someone is always a painful experience. I never wanted to experience such anguish, but here I am, experiencing it today.

It's funny. Whenever something big happens in your life, you usually expect the whole world to feel the same as you. But that is never the case. While your world stops, the world around you keeps on moving, with or without you. I never expected anyone to feel the same as what I was feeling, because it's not really something to do with them. But looking at them being so at ease, so happy and carefree, it was hard to watch. I could only float off into my own world, thinking of things that even I don't seem to recall.

Even at home, things seem to be normal. Only my mum, who had apparently been crying before, was different. It makes me feel so alone. Am I the only one that feels pain in her heart because of the loss of someone who is close to them? How come no one else seems to share the pain I am feeling? Is this all just a bad dream that I am experiencing? Will I wake up tomorrow to find that all this was just a horrible nightmare?

Of course, I know the answer to all of those questions. However, wishful thinking can sometimes be something that enables people to move forward in their life when they feel as if there is something blocking their roads ahead.

So, let's see what is happening this coming week:
Saturday: my family is going to my grandma's house to commemorate the death of my grandpa.
Sunday: my family is going to the actual graveyard where my grandpa lies to pay our respects (I may, or may not be going)
Monday: School Cert
Tuesday: School Cert and the funeral of my grandmother
Friday: School Cert Computer Skills Test

It's going to be a hectic week. I hope I will be able to make it through alive.

~Aurora

hey dudettes

Hey, i thought i'd just write a little post to respond to the comments :)

Firstly, thank you guys all for your regards and kind words.

Lucy: It's not really much of a consolation but thanks anyways :D My grandma isn't completely better but i sincerely hope she is getting there, slowly but surely. It was really bruised on one of her knees. She actually had surgery a long time ago on that leg and she can't really bend it more than 90 degrees. It's that leg that is bruised and it is the leg that is causing her to limp because it's like really bruised. My auntie took her to see the doctors on friday. He/she couldn't really do much and told her to get it x-rayed to make sure it's alright. My mum took her yesterday morning. We couldn't go to the doctors to get the x-rays looked at because it was too late but according to the letter in the envelope, no bones broke, thankfully, but i'm not sure if this what they mean but i think maybe she doesn't have enough calcium. We've been putting this carrot concoction on her knee and she says it's getting better slowly. So hopefully it will completely heal soon.

I definately don't think that i am forcing myself not to eat. I really was not hungry. But thankfully, my apetite is back and i can eat again! Haha..not that i wasn't eating before.

And i honestly hope that Karin is happy. That is all i really care about, despite all that crap i was sprouting out before. And you'll have to wait a LOOOOONNNNNGGG time before you can see me with a boy, let alone a boyfriend.

Michelle: thank you again for your concern:)

Ahh..thanks for the compliment.

About Ken, i don't know for sure if he is really quiet or maybe he was just awkward around just girls because i didn't really talk to him but yeah.

Look forward to duke of ed camp! Like i said before: treat it like a sleepover! Except outside in the woods. Lol

Carmen: In answer to your question about what would've happened if i stood up to my dad. Well, i think that it would have made the situation worse because he won't listen and it will just give him more 'reason' to shout. He will probably go on about how disrespectful we have all become and shit like that.

Well...i think it is better to meet him in a group but maybe with some of his friends so it is less awkward...i guess. I'm gonna meet him for a second time one thursday except this time with other people and his friend/s. So maybe it will be different :)

So thanks again all of you people for your kind words and concern :D

~Aurora

Today has been a horrible day for me.

Firstly, I woke up early, even though i was able to finally sleep in late. It was upsetting, but i think i can live through that. For these past two days, i haven't been able to eat properly. I just don't feel hungry at all. Usually, i eat at least on piece of toast and drink tea but recently, i've only had tea and i am never hungry for lunch or dinner. Of course, i do eat something because i know i need the energy. It may sound really small, but to me, it is pretty bad because usually i am pretty hungry after school and at dinner.

I was upstairs in the study room after breakfast, sitting at my computer, listening to music, chatting to a friend and reading a story online. Suddenly, my grandma called me. I replied back 'What?' and she goes 'i fell down' (all in chinese of course). I quickly raced down the stairs. She was on the floor. She had mopped the floor earlier and had forgot about it and when she passed by to hang up the washing, she had slipped on it. Thankfully she didn't fall down too hard and went down on her knees. But gosh, it was so frightening. Something bad could've happened (touch wood). This isn't the first time she has slipped and thankfully, each time, she had managed to only minorly injure herself. But for an old person like her, it is not very good.

I had made plans to go city with Thuy, Karin and Ken to the city. But i was also worried about my grandma. Despite the fall, she had insisted on still going to my auntie's place, buying grocery and going to the bank on the way, all by herself. I just didn't have the heart to let her go by herself, especially since she was limping a little. So i decided to cancel on my friends and accompany my grandma.

On the bus trip, i was ripped off 50cents because the bus driver had miss counted the money but i only noticed afterwards when my grandma had asked me where the change was. But this is really a minor problem of my horrible day.

So we went to buy groceries that my grandma had been asked to buy from my auntie. And my grandma suggested that maybe i could just meet my friends later. So i called up Thuy and told her that i could still come and that i would meet them in the city.

We went to the bank and then to the train station, where i bought a return ticket to Tempe. I had to slowly walk down the stairs with my grandma because she was sorta limping her way down. And we waited fro 21 minutes for a train to come. At Tempe, we had to go up and down some flights of stairs which was not good for my grandma as her leg was still hurting. Then we had to walk to get to my auntie's house. When we were a little past halfway there, my uncle drove by, saw us and stopped. They picked us up and drove us the rest of the way to my auntie's house. They dropped me off at Sydenham station first. Turns out i didn't need the return ticket to Tempe because there were no gates at Tempe. So i caught the train to Central where i met up with Thuy, Karin and Ken.

Let me just say, it was a very awkward situation. Ken would just not talk at all and we would try to talk and just end up with awkward silences. At capitol, it took us a while to choose a photo booth because no one wanted to decided which booth to take it in. Then, the pictures were just plain awkward. Ken had exchanged, i think, a 20 note for all these one dollar coins and as we were going out of the booth to go to the decorating section, he didn't take then and going karin gave them to me to hold for now. I kept offering to hand them back to him, but he kept asking me to 'hold it for him'. Now i have nothing against him, but i somehow, think that the implied message of that was to just keep it. And hey, it's free money..i think. But i'm not that kind of girl. I just don't accept money from anyone, even my friends unless they owed me so i would be very offended if he was implying that i keep the money. Eventually, after continuously asking (only a couple, i'm exaggerating), i gave up and gave the coins to karin. Let me just get something straight. If i had a boyfriend, i would be very grateful when he sometimes paid for me. But, i don't expect him to pay for me every time. I don't want to be those kind of people who just use their boyfriends so that they can pay for everything i want. If i want something, i should get it with my own money or not get it at all. I don't want to have to rely on my boyfriend to pay for everything that i want. Ok..glad i got that straight.

Anyways, being around Ken was rather awkward. I mean, when i was alone with Steven that one time, it wasn't even as awkward as it was when all 3 of us were with him. So when we met up with Phoebe and her boyfriend to go and play snooker, me and thuy decided to ditch karin and go somewhere else. Karin seemed genuinely disappointed but me and thuy just couldn't take the awkwardness any longer.

We went to get the infamous fish balls which were as yummy as always! And then we went back home. I missed the bus by the time i arrived back at hurstville so i walked home, even though my feet were sorta starting to hurt. I came home to a grumpy dad who had found out about my grandma falling down.

It was okay for a while. Even though i was tired, i watched 'Pursuit of Happyness' with my sister.

Hell broke lose when my grandma came home. My dad just started arguing non-stop. Scolding grandma for not being careful, telling us that we shouldn't leave the bathroom floor wet and then just talking about anything really. He was so freaking annoying! All i wanted to do to him was say in a really calm voice "Can you shut up! It's not grandma's fault that she fell over. It was an ACCIDENT. She didn't mean for it to happen so stop scolding her like it was. Neither was it any of our fault so don't blame us either. All you have been doing since grandma came home is nag, nag and nag. It's not helping at all! You are just putting all of us in very bad moods and you are just making the situation worse. So can you please shut up!" Of course, i said none of this and just quietly fumed.

So what was suppose to be an alright day, albeit awkward as we all know it would be, turned out to be hell.

I really can't breathe anymore. Every breath i take leaves me tired and more lifeless than ever. I feel as if i am suffocating. Why can't i be happy? Don't i deserve to be happy?

Please, let my grandma be safe. I know that i had just asked for happiness, but i would give it all away if it meant that my grandma would be safe and healthy. Just please, please let her be okay.

~Aurora

Act your age!

Haven't we heard that saying sooo many times?

It seems that no matter how hard we try to act our age, we would never know exactly whether we are actually acting our age or not. Confusing isn't it?

Stereotypically, it's suppose to be: the older you get, the wiser and more mature you become. But is that really the case? I certainly don't think so.

I've actually been thinking about it for a while now. It's amazing how many things you notice when you actually take the time to observe your surroundings. And just hearing things, you learn a lot.

Different people act differently. This applies to everything in life, whether it be work, school or just the way they act. It doesn't matter whether they are the same gender, age, height etc.

A teenage kid could act like a mature adult while an 50 year old mother could act like a little kid. It doesn't matter. But it seems as if people in society make it matter, want it to matter. I mean, just the fact that we are so familiar with the phrase "act your age" proves the fact that many people want us to act our 'apparent age'.

The problem is: how can we act our age when we don't really have a specific criteria or cut-off to abide by?

The answer: we just don't act our age. Simple as that. Well...i suppose you are still acting your age, it's just that you are acting the age that YOU yourself are comfortable with, whether it be that mature, professional side or the childish side. It doesn't matter how OTHER people act. Just because they act a certain way, it most certainly does not mean that you have to act that way. If they are able to act a certain way and feel comfortable about it, what is stopping you from doing exactly the same thing, except for the fact that you are acting differently.

So the next time someone goes "Act your age", you say to them "I am acting my age!"

~Aurora

Crushes

Crushes. Everyone has them, whether they are a guy or a girl. It's that physical or mental attraction that a person has for another person. There are many different types of crushes:
- one where you like the person because of their physical appearance
- one where you like them because of their personality
- something that they did for you that has left you falling
- the simple touch they give you
- their uniqueness that you haven't quite seen in others
- someone who is different from the bland, everyday people you usually see
- and many other reasons

From these crushes comes the rush of all different feelings. There are some people who would just take these crushes into stride, admire the crush but would eventually get over it and move on. Other people would admire their crushes but only from afar, never daring to confront them. And then there are some who would act upon this attraction, starting up a conversation which would either lead to them finding out they don't actually like the person anymore, being rejected or blossoming this attraction to something more.

Whether it be blossoming this attraction or just admiring them from afar, these crushes would all become a distant memory after a while, something that you would recall later in life saying 'I remember crushing over this one guy/girl! I couldn't help falling for their..."

In some cases, these crushes could cause people to feel immense pain in the process. There are some people who, when find out that their crushes either have boy/girlfriends or just aren't interested, feel horrible about themself. They begin to doubt themselves, thinking "Maybe i'm ugly? Maybe I'm worthless." or who begin to regret not taking up the oppotunity and acting on their feelings, not trying hard enough to grab the oppotunity while they had the chance. Thus, they begin to feel horrible, falling in the dark pits, not so far as to depression but far enough to know that they aren't happy.

To these people, I say: So be it. You didn't grab the oppotunity while you could, you lost your chance to something that could have blossomed. But you see, you don't know if it could have blossomed. You don't know if something great could have resulted from that chance. The worst thing you could do to yourself from this experience is waste your time thinking of the 'what-if's, replaying every little detail, every little chance you had to grab this oppotunity, imagining what could have happened if you did this, if you did that.

Don't delve in the past, life is too short for you to spend time worrying about something you can't exactly fix anymore. As I said before, everyone has crushes and it's not just one; it's many. So you couldn't begin something with this one, maybe it just wasn't meant to be. Maybe you were meant for someone better, someone who would be even more worthwhile than this one. Someone who you won't even get to meet because you are too busy consuming your time thinking about the 'what-if's.

So I say to you: move on from this. Open your eyes and look around you. Don't focus your time and energy on someone who you can't obtain, find that other crush, the one who you are MEANT for. This crush, the one you missed your oppotunity to grab, let it be a distant memory, like all the other crushes you had. So what if it was deeper than those other discarded crushes, so what if you had put more feeling, time and thought into this one. At the end of the day, aren't they all crushes? So put that crush to the side, leave it as a distan memory, one that you can recall later on it life, saying "I remember that one crush, I fell hard for that person because..."

And then live on. Live on to see the more worthwhile things in life. And live on to find that one crush, that one crush that you'll be able to act upon and maybe even start something even more special.

~Aurora

My state of being

I'm a muddle. No, not a puddle, but a muddle. Don't ask me where i got that word from because i honestly don't know. I just feel as if that word...whatever it means, describes how i am feeling. It's back to being depressed..although, i know i shouldn't use that word because I've learnt that depressed is a really strong word that means a whole lot more than what i am feeling. Anyways, i'm blabbering.

I'm just so tired of life. I feel as if all the energy i have has been zapped out of me and left me with only a shell. Everyday seems to pass by very quickly, a blur to me. I can barely stay awake in class now and it sort of frightens me. I used to never NEVER nearly fall asleep in class. I was always awake. But now...i find myself falling and i just don't know what is happening. Also, my test...I'm just not putting in 100% anymore and it kills me. I've been doing well in my tests, why am i slacking off NOW? Out of all times to slack off, i start to slack off when it begins to get important. I'm so worried that i will be so lazy and out of it as time goes by.

Also...I've lost my sense of direction. While there are many people who can clearly see the path ahead of them, I am not one of them. I'm not even one of those people who can at least see a little light in the path. All i see is a murky darkness with only the pathway i have been by or am at now being seen. What's ahead seems so unclear and although sometimes, i feel as if i can finally get a glimpse at it, it all too soon disappears once more, leaving me confused, lost and vulnerable.

I want to be able to smile, you know? I want to be able to just let go, feel the wind. To be able to go crazy at random things, bob my head to random music, do something totally out of my comfort zone and just have fun. But no matter how much i try to feel that, i just can't. I'm forever stuck in my little confinement, my closed in box with no way out. No matter how hard i bang against it, i cannot seem to free myself.

And i have contemplated counselling. But i can't help but feel so vulnerable at the thought of it. To not admit to having a problem is not the right thing to do but i don't think i'd be able to tell a stranger of my problems. I know that they are there to help me but i just don't think i can do it. Besides, how can i tell them of my problems when i can't even begin to explain it to myself?

I keep telling myself that i should take it one step at a time. No need to rush things. But i feel as if i am running out of time. I just want to be happy, to live life to the fullest!

~Viv

Scarlet

I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Scarlet didn't sit with us today. I should feel happy because it has been awkward with her and now that she is gone, i don't have to worry about what is happening, what will happen. But I should feel sad because this could be a sign that i lost my friendship with her.

I feel like crying once again. You know, a while back before Scarlet was in the picture, i had begun to feel as if everything was going back to normal...well, as normal as it can be without Raeanne. And then Scarlet came...and everything became so messed up again. I didn't know what to do or how to act around Scarlet. But now that she is gone, i feel torn. On one hand, and i know this is cruel, but i feel relieved, relieved that I don't have to deal with this problem (although i know it's still hanging in the air). On the other hand, i feel as if i have betrayed Scarlet. She trusted me, turned to me when she was vulnerable, confided in me...even if it wasn't about her actual problem and all i did was avoid her. What kind of friend does that?

I know i should confront her. I should at least talk to her. But i'm so scared. I don't think you guys understand, but when something around me happens, i tend to get affected by it and most of the time, it causes me to feel very upset.

I feel like such a bad friend. I abandoned her when she needed me most. I did nothing to help her. I just..don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to end up like all the other broken friendships i ended up having. She isn't the closest person to me, hell, we don't really talk about personal stuff (I didn't even realised how close she was to her friends!) but she is still a good friend of mine and i don't want to lose what we have. But how the hell am i suppose to fix something like this when i can't even approach her, let alone talk to her.

~Aurora

Hi.

It's been a while hasn't it? I have a lot to say, a lot of things that have been on my chest for a very long time that i haven't been able to convey to anyone.

Firstly, there is friendship. Scarlet joining the group had been a really unexpected situation. I have constantly been tossing between not minding it to holding doubts about it. I don't understand myself. I mean, Scarlet is a great person. I've known her since yr 4, not on a very close level, but close enough to be considered a very good friend. But there seems to be something holding me back from accepting her.

A few days back, she had expressed how she thought i was practically like her best friend, although she said she couldn't really call me that since she hadn't exactly done anything for me like i had apparently done for her. On mufti day, i noticed she wore the bracelet i gave her, those bracelets where you can get a pair for you and your best friend which i had given to her one birthday. She called me kind, nice and all these other nice things, but i'm none of the things she says i am.

I don't know what to do. I can hardly speak properly with her anymore. I find it awfully awkward and it's really a shame. I don't want to ruin our friendship over something like this. Something that shouldn't be that big of a problem, but something that i have somehow blown over proportion, overreacted. I am really annoyed at myself but at the same time, very confused.

Which brings me on to my next problem: Raeanne. Thinking about Scarlet entering our group, makes me think back to Rae. I really really miss her. No words can describe how much i want to just talk to her right now, to see her again. I find myself always scrolling down the list of people online on msn, searching for her. Checking my emails to see if she sent me any emails. Even going as far as to going on facebook and seeing what she has been up to. My lord, i've turned into a freaken stalker!

I just really miss her. I miss her quirks, her strange ways and just her easy going attitude, always creating an uplifting atmosphere. She knows exactly what to do to make people feel welcome and certainly knows how to break up an awkward situation...although, i can't say the same for when we speak on the phone. Hehe. Hopefully i can talk to her soon.

Then, we have the family problem. I supposed things have died down a lot, but i can't help but feel resentful towards my mum. I know i shouldn't, she has done nothing wrong, rather, i have done something wrong to her. It's just, my mum and i have never been very close..not since my little sister came along. I have never really had heart to heart conversations with her. So when she decides to make an input in my life, i am naturally closed off and just brush her off in a very irritated tone. She would then scold me, telling me not to, and i quote 'Don't be like your sister!".

She says that about everything, i swear. Even since my sister and my mum had a feud, whatever we don't do right or if we give attitude, my mum would be like 'Don't be like your sister". It is absolutely frustrating! I mean, how about if it has nothing to do with my oldest sister. Not everything revolves around her. We have our own opinions and characteristics.

On Saturday, my mum reached her final straw when my little sister got irritated that my mum was helping her cook her egg. My mum called us disrespectful and said she didn't know how she could have given birth to us when we were so inconsiderate and treated her so badly. She said she wasn't here so we could have a go at her.

I should've been sorry. I should've felt bad. And i did, but i also felt so annoyed at her. She has a right to blow up at us. I know this. But i was pissed off at her for it. I can't even look at her straight anymore and our conversations are strained.

I'm just so tired of everything. I wish i could just sleep for eternity so then i won't have to worry about things. But i can't..i have to live on.

~Aurora

Well, I've sort of stuck to what i vowed to do yesturday. Downloaded some songs, watch some episodes of the drama i was currently watching, did my jap homework, did some maths homework catch uping, did my tutoring maths homework and played games. Wow..listing it out, it sounds like quite a mouthful!

Haha..when i was thinking over what i had written yesturday, i sorta realised that i may have used the excuse of not finishing my dramas as an excuse to watch them. hahahaha...but seriously, i really do think i have an issue with doing something and never being able to finish it. It is really frustrating really.

Good news people! I haven't been thinking any bad thoughts all day! Aside from being a little pissed off at my mum for nagging on and on about crap, i've been relatively happy all day! Thinking about it right now makes me smile.

I'm not gonna say i'm healing, because i don't know that for sure, plus, last time i said that it wasn't true.

I'm gonna work hard from now on. Healing is a long, hard and tiring process that consists of opening wounds in the heart and slowly repairing them up, stitch by stitch. It's gonna be tough and the wounds may come unloose every now and then, but over time, step by step, I believe i'll be able to overcome it. I was talking to my sister today, while randomly making fruit juice (my sister's idea). She was telling me about how she's been depressed as well. And I know there have been obvious signs from everyone, but i finally came to terms with the fact that there are people out there who are probably going through the same thing that i am going through, even if it isn't the same situation or the same problem.

We all search for that someone who we can talk to, who will be able to tell us what we yearn to hear, that even, we, ourselves don't know what is. And yeah...the only person i can truly rely on to give me the cold hard truth while being able to softly guide me to the light, is myself. Whether i hate it or love it or harbour feelings in between, it will be there for me whether i like it or not. I might as well learn to live with it, try to understand it and let it guide me and heal me. Because who better to understand me, than myself.

I used to feel really heavy. You know that saying: your body feels like lead. Well, that's what my body felt like, even when i was leaning on something, my arms felt so heavy. But now, it feels lighter. I feel better. And that's a change that i want to EMBRACE ;)

To all those people who are also feeling down, lost, insecure..anything really. While your heart yearns for someone who understands you and who has the answers to all your problems, realise that in most cases, there will be no one out there to help you like that. The cold truth is, the only person you can really rely on to help you is, yourself. So don't fight it, take it into stride, let it guide you because i believe, if there is anyone who can help you in sheding the darkness and guiding you into the light, it is yourself. So stay strong, fight whatever stands in your way and reach what your heart, body and soul desires.

~Aurora

Hope?

Hello.

Today hasn't been a bad day. I haven't been feeling down and i haven't actually thought of any bad thoughts, which is a good thing. Probably because i have been so preoccupied with other things but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that i haven't thought anything depressing...haha..i'm doing it a little bit right now though, but that's besides the point.

I've been thinking. I haven't realised it until recently, but for the past few months or even more, i've had the tendency to start something, but never actually follow through with it. For example, i watch dramas and i do love them, don't get me wrong, but when my instinct kicks in and i realise something that i don't like is going to happen in the series, i stop watching it. And like..i start a new one and the same thing happens. It's very strange. And i find it is not only happening when i watch dramas but also my homework. I used to always do my maths homework, finish the exercises and all, and i don't know if it was because i was busy preparing for rae's party or just because i was lazy, but last term, i wasn't able to finish the chapter, and i am still unable to finish it. I know that these things seem so little, but to me, they are clues or hints as to some of the problems i am facing. It shows the lack of commitment i have. To follow through what you start to the very end is a very important thing, and if i can't even do that to such little things such as these, how am i suppose to handle much more difficult and larger things in life.

Soooo...i have decided to take it slow and go through all those dramas that i had started watching but never actually managed to finish watching because i realised a bad situation was going to happen. Because the first step to finding myself, is learning to go over what i haven't done correctly and correct it. Haha..it sounds really strange and very unimportant and maybe it is, maybe it won't be anything big or life changing, but it's a start.

Also, i have to pick out my subjects for next year. Contemplating over them, i think i have come to a final decision. But as always, i second guess my decisions every single time. That's another fault i find in myself. My indecisive nature to choose what i want. I have this weird logic in my head that thinks that everything i have thought i loved or wanted is something that someone or something has influenced me into believing. So now, everything i have always thought i loved or wanted is second guessed. And if you really think about it, it can be really complicated and messy. No wonder i am always so tired lately! Haha.

I think, again, i will have to take it slowly. As everyone advises me to, including myself, i should take as long as i need to, to straighten out my life. First step: completing any unfinished things that i have left and figuring out what subjects i would like to do next year.

Now..as determined as i sound, i have a feeling tomorrow, i won't be as determined. I have a habit of saying one thing and doing another, or not doing anything at all. But i suppose i can't really fixed that. The only thing i can do is give it my best shot and fight the temptation to take the easy way out which is not going anything at all.

I suppose i should head off to bed today so that i can have a nice early start tomorrow. Hopefully, i will be as determined as i sound tomorrow.

Thank god i don't have tutoring tomorrow!! I am sorry for the loss of someone, who has caused my tutor to have to cancel the lesson, but i am sorta glad, in the way that, i can finally sleep in. Today, i learnt from Mrs Coplin that sleep deprivation is a really serious thing. It causes you to be unable to concentrate on anything AND it also causes you to gain weight, because you eat to gain energy and because you are so tired, you aren't aware of what you are eating and only care about getting more energy. Also, you have the deepest sleep in the hours before 12am. So it is best to get to bed early and wake up early to get stuff done rather than staying up to get it done and sleeping late. Very interesting don't you think?

Hm...seems i have learnt something in class :P

Woohoo! Fast internet tomorrow! I can't wait to download all the songs that i wanted to download but couldn't because the internet was too slow! Also, i can watch my dramas! Woot woot! Haha..anyways, i better go to sleep. I am wasting my precious deep sleeping time :D

~Aurora

Loss of motivation

Hey,

I feel so tired of life. My days drag by and i feel as if i achieve nothing as each day passes. It's like a never ending drill: wake up, go to school, come home, do homework/ procrastinate, go to sleep. I find myself losing the motivation i once had and in some way, i feel as if i am giving up on life. The fire i once had in my eye, simmers and with a single blow, i think it could be out.

I hate that i feel this way. I've lost the energy to do stuff and i find myself, most of the time, staring off into space with a stoned face. The smile i once had disappeared long before and i can't find it anymore.

I thought that i was happy at school, that i felt genuinely delighted. But i continuely question it time and time again. I mean, if i was genuinely happy, wouldn't i feel happy at home as well? But that isn't the case. All i feel at home is tired, stressed and lazy. And no, it isn't because of the problems i have at home.

I'm losing myself. To who? None other than myself. Darkness clouds my eyes and i just can't seem to reach the light behind it. My horoscope said, a few days ago, that i should embrace something great that would happen to me...something like that. And i actually thought that what i was embracing was the sheer happiness i felt at school. Yet, there is always a nagging voice at the back of my head that questions whether it is actually genuine or just a fascade, and i begin to second doubt myself.

I realise that i have to take the time to understand myself, redefine who i am, what i like. But it's not as easy as it sounds, it's not as if i will find the answers by just doing things that i have always thought i liked and then an answer pops up in my mind, telling me that i like it or that i don't like it.

I just don't know.

~Aurora

Happy flower

Hi

A while back, i was reading a story and in that story, they described a rose filled with lots of different colours. I wondered it was actually real so i went and searched it up. Turns out, there is such a thing!

I'll admit, in some ways, it does look a little strange. But there was something about it that made me smile when i saw it. It wouldn't look good as a bouquet as it would be too many colours. But i think it would be sweet to receive just one single one.

Anyways, just wanted to share it with you guys.

~Aurora

Rae's present

Hehe...i know i should've done it a long time ago when it actually related but i suppose it's better late than never.

I can't help but be proud of my achievement and would love to share it with you guys :)

Rae's present took ages to do, but it was all worth it. I can still remember the big smile i had on my face everytime i stared at the present after i had put it all in the jar and tied it up.

I hope Rae can feel the love and dedication i put into making it. Hahaha..and i hope that whatever wish she makes from it, it will be one that she purely wants, rather than what she wishes for the people around her. Coz...it's good to be selfish once in a while ;)

hehe..i better go to bed. My sister is like freaken staring at me in the really freaky way :P

~Aurora

To frame or not to frame?

Hey guys,

Recently i finished putting together a puzzle. I must say, it was rather..well, not fun, but relaxing to do this puzzle. It required my full concentration and allowed me to take my mind of things that i didn't want to think about. Now i've been wanting to show you guys this puzzle for a while now, so here it is

My problem is..i don't know whether to frame it. I mean, my grandma and mum were urging me to to frame it. But i was so determined not to. I don't know why. I used the excuse that if i wanted to frame something, i wanted it to be of something that was..for a better word...better looking. But now that i look at it, there is nothing bad about this puzzle.

Do you think i should frame it?

~Aurora