Hope?

Hello.

Today hasn't been a bad day. I haven't been feeling down and i haven't actually thought of any bad thoughts, which is a good thing. Probably because i have been so preoccupied with other things but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that i haven't thought anything depressing...haha..i'm doing it a little bit right now though, but that's besides the point.

I've been thinking. I haven't realised it until recently, but for the past few months or even more, i've had the tendency to start something, but never actually follow through with it. For example, i watch dramas and i do love them, don't get me wrong, but when my instinct kicks in and i realise something that i don't like is going to happen in the series, i stop watching it. And like..i start a new one and the same thing happens. It's very strange. And i find it is not only happening when i watch dramas but also my homework. I used to always do my maths homework, finish the exercises and all, and i don't know if it was because i was busy preparing for rae's party or just because i was lazy, but last term, i wasn't able to finish the chapter, and i am still unable to finish it. I know that these things seem so little, but to me, they are clues or hints as to some of the problems i am facing. It shows the lack of commitment i have. To follow through what you start to the very end is a very important thing, and if i can't even do that to such little things such as these, how am i suppose to handle much more difficult and larger things in life.

Soooo...i have decided to take it slow and go through all those dramas that i had started watching but never actually managed to finish watching because i realised a bad situation was going to happen. Because the first step to finding myself, is learning to go over what i haven't done correctly and correct it. Haha..it sounds really strange and very unimportant and maybe it is, maybe it won't be anything big or life changing, but it's a start.

Also, i have to pick out my subjects for next year. Contemplating over them, i think i have come to a final decision. But as always, i second guess my decisions every single time. That's another fault i find in myself. My indecisive nature to choose what i want. I have this weird logic in my head that thinks that everything i have thought i loved or wanted is something that someone or something has influenced me into believing. So now, everything i have always thought i loved or wanted is second guessed. And if you really think about it, it can be really complicated and messy. No wonder i am always so tired lately! Haha.

I think, again, i will have to take it slowly. As everyone advises me to, including myself, i should take as long as i need to, to straighten out my life. First step: completing any unfinished things that i have left and figuring out what subjects i would like to do next year.

Now..as determined as i sound, i have a feeling tomorrow, i won't be as determined. I have a habit of saying one thing and doing another, or not doing anything at all. But i suppose i can't really fixed that. The only thing i can do is give it my best shot and fight the temptation to take the easy way out which is not going anything at all.

I suppose i should head off to bed today so that i can have a nice early start tomorrow. Hopefully, i will be as determined as i sound tomorrow.

Thank god i don't have tutoring tomorrow!! I am sorry for the loss of someone, who has caused my tutor to have to cancel the lesson, but i am sorta glad, in the way that, i can finally sleep in. Today, i learnt from Mrs Coplin that sleep deprivation is a really serious thing. It causes you to be unable to concentrate on anything AND it also causes you to gain weight, because you eat to gain energy and because you are so tired, you aren't aware of what you are eating and only care about getting more energy. Also, you have the deepest sleep in the hours before 12am. So it is best to get to bed early and wake up early to get stuff done rather than staying up to get it done and sleeping late. Very interesting don't you think?

Hm...seems i have learnt something in class :P

Woohoo! Fast internet tomorrow! I can't wait to download all the songs that i wanted to download but couldn't because the internet was too slow! Also, i can watch my dramas! Woot woot! Haha..anyways, i better go to sleep. I am wasting my precious deep sleeping time :D

~Aurora

Loss of motivation

Hey,

I feel so tired of life. My days drag by and i feel as if i achieve nothing as each day passes. It's like a never ending drill: wake up, go to school, come home, do homework/ procrastinate, go to sleep. I find myself losing the motivation i once had and in some way, i feel as if i am giving up on life. The fire i once had in my eye, simmers and with a single blow, i think it could be out.

I hate that i feel this way. I've lost the energy to do stuff and i find myself, most of the time, staring off into space with a stoned face. The smile i once had disappeared long before and i can't find it anymore.

I thought that i was happy at school, that i felt genuinely delighted. But i continuely question it time and time again. I mean, if i was genuinely happy, wouldn't i feel happy at home as well? But that isn't the case. All i feel at home is tired, stressed and lazy. And no, it isn't because of the problems i have at home.

I'm losing myself. To who? None other than myself. Darkness clouds my eyes and i just can't seem to reach the light behind it. My horoscope said, a few days ago, that i should embrace something great that would happen to me...something like that. And i actually thought that what i was embracing was the sheer happiness i felt at school. Yet, there is always a nagging voice at the back of my head that questions whether it is actually genuine or just a fascade, and i begin to second doubt myself.

I realise that i have to take the time to understand myself, redefine who i am, what i like. But it's not as easy as it sounds, it's not as if i will find the answers by just doing things that i have always thought i liked and then an answer pops up in my mind, telling me that i like it or that i don't like it.

I just don't know.

~Aurora

Happy flower

Hi

A while back, i was reading a story and in that story, they described a rose filled with lots of different colours. I wondered it was actually real so i went and searched it up. Turns out, there is such a thing!

I'll admit, in some ways, it does look a little strange. But there was something about it that made me smile when i saw it. It wouldn't look good as a bouquet as it would be too many colours. But i think it would be sweet to receive just one single one.

Anyways, just wanted to share it with you guys.

~Aurora

Rae's present

Hehe...i know i should've done it a long time ago when it actually related but i suppose it's better late than never.

I can't help but be proud of my achievement and would love to share it with you guys :)

Rae's present took ages to do, but it was all worth it. I can still remember the big smile i had on my face everytime i stared at the present after i had put it all in the jar and tied it up.

I hope Rae can feel the love and dedication i put into making it. Hahaha..and i hope that whatever wish she makes from it, it will be one that she purely wants, rather than what she wishes for the people around her. Coz...it's good to be selfish once in a while ;)

hehe..i better go to bed. My sister is like freaken staring at me in the really freaky way :P

~Aurora

To frame or not to frame?

Hey guys,

Recently i finished putting together a puzzle. I must say, it was rather..well, not fun, but relaxing to do this puzzle. It required my full concentration and allowed me to take my mind of things that i didn't want to think about. Now i've been wanting to show you guys this puzzle for a while now, so here it is

My problem is..i don't know whether to frame it. I mean, my grandma and mum were urging me to to frame it. But i was so determined not to. I don't know why. I used the excuse that if i wanted to frame something, i wanted it to be of something that was..for a better word...better looking. But now that i look at it, there is nothing bad about this puzzle.

Do you think i should frame it?

~Aurora

What my heart yearns for...

Surprisingly, no, my heart does not yearn for a boyfriend...

Fine fine, maybe it does...just a little bit. But it's not the thing i yearn most for right now.

For me, right now, i yearn for a best friend.

Now..i must admit, i haven't had the best experience with best friends but for some reason, i really want...no...need one.

Currently, i feel so lost. My heart really really hurts, yet, i don't know what it is that i am so upset about.

But no, i don't need a best friend to figure out what it is that is making my heart hurt so bad because, if i don't understand what it is, how am i suppose to expect others to know what it is?

No, i want a best friend because i NEED someone who can be there for me whenever i need them, who knows when i am feeling down and knows exactly what to do to make me feel better. Someone who understands me, who understands what is going on behind the wall i put up to people. Someone who i am able to trust and know won't abuse that trust. Someone who is blunt to me, who tells me not what i want to hear, but what i need to hear, whether it be good or bad. Someone i can hug without any reluctance, can make me smile and laugh and just brings out the side of me that has been lost to me for a while now.

I know, i know. It is a lot to ask for and i am not expecting some kind of miracle and suddenly, that person appears right in front of me. But it would be so great if there was really a person out there for me.

I'm really hurting inside and i really want someone to talk to. But i don't even know what exactly it is that i need to get off my chest. Even when talking to my closest friends, i feel as if i am holding back from them.

I must admit, i do trust pretty easily and sometimes, this can be a real downfall. Sometimes, it is because of my easy trust that i am so easily used. But there are times when it is not because they abuse my trust that i get hurt. No, sometimes, it is because of the fact that i put my trust in them and it seems as if they understand and they, for a while, are there for me and delicately help me put myself back together but after doing so, they begin to forget about me. Which i know is really selfish of me, because i know that i shouldn't be their main priority, but it seems as if i am discarded after being helped and all over again, i am broken. And they can't seem to see that i am not fully healed as they thought i was.

I just feel so alone in this big wide world. I'm frightened.

Moody

I swear...i don't understand myself at all.

Today was the day...what a whirlwind it has been for me.

It started with my alarm ringing...i had set it at 9:00. Of course, me being the lazy bum i am, turned it off and changed it to 9:30, only to once again, ignore it :) Ended up waking up at like 10 and just lay in bed for a while...thinking: 'Rae's leaving today'

Eventually i managed to drag myself out of bed and got ready to go out. On Tuesdays, at Video Ezy, Weekly videos are only $1 and i had planned a while back to just have a small movie marathon...just me. I'd rent some romance movies and buy some ice cream, grab a blanket and settle in my living room for a fun, relaxing day. What? Haha..i heard it's really good for when you are down :) according to all the romance stories i read anyways...

And i had promised Lucy to go ahead with my plan, coz i was having doubts...i mean, who has fun when their friend is leaving for another country on that very day. So i went out to wait for the bus with my grandma...only to realise we had missed it. We walked all the way to a bus stop with a bench where we waited for a while. I then decided i wanted to do some exercise before i pigged out so excused myself from my grandma and started my trek to Hurstville. (I saw this pretty cute looking guy at the bus stop place but ignored him ;))

Anyways...i arrived at Video Ezy after an...uneventful walk. It was a little awkward looking for videos by myself...i felt very self conscious. But managed to pick out 4 dvds: Step Up 2: The Streets, P.S. I Love You, Love and Other Disasters and Notting Hill. The guy at the counter probably thought i was a total weirdo..haha

Then i went to Coles and bought myself an expensive tube of ice cream. Sara Lee: Chocolate and Caramel Swirl...something like that.

I then had to wait for the bus home. I met Michelle...very unexpectedly. Had a quick chat...as well as advertised Video Ezy :D

Anyways, i managed to get home safe and sound. I was very excited! I couldn't keep the smile off my face ^^

So i ended up watching all 4 movies...if the first bit of Notting Hill counts...it died on me halfway through :(. I ate leftover pizza from yesturday and was able to eat ice cream out of the tube :) (Usually i would get scolded by my grandma for doing that but thank god she wasn't home then :D)

Sigh...it was very relaxing and i enjoyed all the movies :D But unfortunately...for having siblings and no house to myself, i kept getting interrupted or i could hear people talking...not very fun but it was fine...i suppose. P.S. I Love You was absolutely sweet as :) and sad as well. I know many people say that movies made from books are really bad. But i actually liked both, the movie and the book. Both took on different interpretations and headed in different directions in terms of what things they wanted to express but both were excellent :). Haha...i'm starting to sound like one of the analysing weirdos.

After a relaxing day..i started to get...moody. I dunno, i just lost my smile and just dragged myself round with a closed off face. After dinner, i sat myself down and just continued the puzzle i has started yesturday. I was very moody and didn't answer much when people talked to me.

I just don't understand how i can go from being so happy and merry to sad and depressed in such a small time frame. It's like...happy in the morning but depressed in the evening..or as soon as it gets dark. It's so stupid. I wanna be happy and carefree again. I miss that side of me. I dunno when, but it just disappeared and i am having a hard time trying to find it again. It comes out sometimes, but it doesn't last and i just don't understand what is wrong.

Sigh...i should just stop thinking too much about things shouldn't i?

The pain i feel inside

It's hard not to count the days down. I'm scared, really scared as the days creep up from behind my back. It's funny. Usually i am absolutely elated that it is going to be the holidays soon. But i feel nothing, i feel emotionless.

I often read stories about narrator's friends leaving and all and you see this big fuss going on. And i go, gee...why can't they just be happy for their friend? I never actually realised how much pain they were going through until it actually happened it me. It's really painful. My heart hurts and i feel so helpless. I can only busy myself planning for her farewell party. And it's funny really because i am planning her farewell party but the fact that she is really going is still so surreal to me.

I just don't want her to leave. I don't know what i would do without her. Sometimes, i just feel like pushing everything away and crying my heart out. Just, for once, to break out of my calm demeanor and just have a mental breakdown. I think that's what i really need. But i can't...i feel as if i have to stay level-headed and make sure things work out.

Right now, i can only cry silent tears.

Everyone tells me not to cry, to just spend the best time with her now, cherish the moment. But i just can't seem to. She seems so far away to me already. I feel as if no matter how much i scream and shout out to her..my words will never seem to reach her.

I do believe that actions speak louder than words. I don't talk to her a lot, but i do believe i do a lot in the background. But is that really enough? Will she really understand?

For once, i wanna cry freely. I wanna let go of my emotions. But can i really?

The final weeks

This past week has been one hell of a crazy week. I've been consumed by my history test, mass studying to hopefully do well in my test. Also, as it is Rae's last week creeps up, there is still a hell of a lot of planning, organising and crap to get through to make this last day the most memorable for her.

I worry that i am taking too much control of this big party. I don't want to push all my ideas onto people and expect them to accept it. I don't want to be bossy and make people upset because of what i choose. I hope that we can all work together to make this work and create the best possible party we can give Rae.

I realised that, in order not to delve into things that i don't want to think too deeply about, i busy myself doing anything so that i don't have time to sit down and think about things. Because once i think about things, i usually get very emotional and i don't think i can take it. But, even if i don't think about it, it builds up inside of me and i just feel so awful. I just don't know what to do.

While planning Rae's party, i begin to really realise that there isn't much time left, and while i seem composed on the outside, organising this party, inside, it is really killing me. When people talk about Rae and Canda, i get really quiet. I get upset thinking about it and when people mention it, it just reinforces the fact that she is leaving.

You know, i ddin't realise how important she was to me until she really was leaving. And it hurts to know that i can't show how much she means to me to because i just can't seem to express my feelings. I don't want to regret my last days with her, but i don't know what to do to change that. I can't seem to talk her at school because it is really awkward and when we can actually talk, it's nothing really important or we get interrupted. haha..i didn't realise how popular she was with people until now. And while we usually talk better online, i can't seem to talk to her properly about anything of any substance. When i have emotional problems, she is usually one of the first people that i talk to because i know she would be able to give me some good advice or at least be able to listen to what i am feeling. But now, i seem as if i would burden her if i was to share with her how i am feeling. And i know that i shouldn't hold back on her, but i really don't want to stress her more than she needs to. She already has so much on her plate and i don't want her to have to worry about me as well. I just..don't know what to do.

~Aurora