It's hard not to count the days down. I'm scared, really scared as the days creep up from behind my back. It's funny. Usually i am absolutely elated that it is going to be the holidays soon. But i feel nothing, i feel emotionless.
I often read stories about narrator's friends leaving and all and you see this big fuss going on. And i go, gee...why can't they just be happy for their friend? I never actually realised how much pain they were going through until it actually happened it me. It's really painful. My heart hurts and i feel so helpless. I can only busy myself planning for her farewell party. And it's funny really because i am planning her farewell party but the fact that she is really going is still so surreal to me.
I just don't want her to leave. I don't know what i would do without her. Sometimes, i just feel like pushing everything away and crying my heart out. Just, for once, to break out of my calm demeanor and just have a mental breakdown. I think that's what i really need. But i can't...i feel as if i have to stay level-headed and make sure things work out.
Right now, i can only cry silent tears.
Everyone tells me not to cry, to just spend the best time with her now, cherish the moment. But i just can't seem to. She seems so far away to me already. I feel as if no matter how much i scream and shout out to her..my words will never seem to reach her.
I do believe that actions speak louder than words. I don't talk to her a lot, but i do believe i do a lot in the background. But is that really enough? Will she really understand?
For once, i wanna cry freely. I wanna let go of my emotions. But can i really?
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