The final weeks

This past week has been one hell of a crazy week. I've been consumed by my history test, mass studying to hopefully do well in my test. Also, as it is Rae's last week creeps up, there is still a hell of a lot of planning, organising and crap to get through to make this last day the most memorable for her.

I worry that i am taking too much control of this big party. I don't want to push all my ideas onto people and expect them to accept it. I don't want to be bossy and make people upset because of what i choose. I hope that we can all work together to make this work and create the best possible party we can give Rae.

I realised that, in order not to delve into things that i don't want to think too deeply about, i busy myself doing anything so that i don't have time to sit down and think about things. Because once i think about things, i usually get very emotional and i don't think i can take it. But, even if i don't think about it, it builds up inside of me and i just feel so awful. I just don't know what to do.

While planning Rae's party, i begin to really realise that there isn't much time left, and while i seem composed on the outside, organising this party, inside, it is really killing me. When people talk about Rae and Canda, i get really quiet. I get upset thinking about it and when people mention it, it just reinforces the fact that she is leaving.

You know, i ddin't realise how important she was to me until she really was leaving. And it hurts to know that i can't show how much she means to me to because i just can't seem to express my feelings. I don't want to regret my last days with her, but i don't know what to do to change that. I can't seem to talk her at school because it is really awkward and when we can actually talk, it's nothing really important or we get interrupted. haha..i didn't realise how popular she was with people until now. And while we usually talk better online, i can't seem to talk to her properly about anything of any substance. When i have emotional problems, she is usually one of the first people that i talk to because i know she would be able to give me some good advice or at least be able to listen to what i am feeling. But now, i seem as if i would burden her if i was to share with her how i am feeling. And i know that i shouldn't hold back on her, but i really don't want to stress her more than she needs to. She already has so much on her plate and i don't want her to have to worry about me as well. I just..don't know what to do.

~Aurora