180 turn?

It seems like i have just turned 180 degrees, metaphorically. Before, i was really depressed and unhappy about life. But after my friend Lucy rang me, talking to me about how i was feeling and explaining to me about life's imperfections, i feel a lot better.

It's strange, usually nothing people tell me really hits home. It just goes into one ear and flies out the other. But i dunno, there was nothing really special about this conversation but maybe it was because i really just had given up and Lucy had picked me up, putting the pieces back together until i was...not whole again, but enough to get through another day and hope for a better day.

I am glad to know that a lot of people care about me. I just...i knew that a lot of people cared about me..i really did..i think. But when Lucy rang me, picking me up when i fell down..i guess it gave me a sense of...closure? no..um...conviction that there were people who really cared about me and my well-being.

I think i finally had my nervous breakdown. All this time, i just felt like shit but i never actually broke down. But..i guess today finally tipped the scales. And for that..i am glad because now i can look forward and not worry about feeling shit the next day because i have..overcome it? No..i am far from that..but i have started.

I'm happy. I know...i know that i have a long way to go before i actually fully heal. I have said that..oh so many times. But it's a start...again. And for that..i am cheerful. I know that things will not go smoothly after this so called...closure. But i will ready myself for whatever comes my way and i know that i will have the support of my family and friends to help me get through it so i think i'll be good :)

I love you guys so much!

~Aurora

What am i doing?

Dear lord, what the hell am i doing? Can't i do anything right? Is everything just so complicated for me?

Today has, once again, been a shitty day for me and i have no one to blame except myself. Everyone was doing fine, everyone was acting normal, just how i had wanted it. However, i was the one holding us back, doing the thing i most dreaded: staying silent.

I just don't get myself sometimes. I mean, why do i torture myself like this? Do i like hurting myself and those around me? It's just not fair to the rest of my group. There i was, sitting there, just being silent while everyone was just trying to have a good time.

I just...don't know what is going through my mind right now. I feel so horrible for doing this to the group, but i can't seem to help myself. I don't know what to do. It's as if i don't know how to be normal anymore. I'm just so confused. And i can't keep blaming it on the fact that Rae is leaving soon because i know that isn't the actual reason. I don't understand.

I think back to all my previous friendships and the stupid reasons that i broke up with them for or argued over.

Around yr 2-3, i used to get mad at my best friend Eleanor for hanging out with a girl i didn't like.
End of yr 4, 2 of my closest friends broke up with me, saying i was using them.
Yr 6, Me and my best friend used to agrue all the time because i felt that my best friend's other best friend was taking her away from me. God, i was a mess back then.
Yr 7, i felt that a close friend of mine was mean to me so i left the group with some friends. Also, there was this really kind girl who came into our group but because she was too 'clingy' i kicked her out.
And now this.

I am totally not saying this to get pity because i really don't want it. I probably self-pity myself enough for the whole world. In a way, i feel i deserve all this. I don't deserve to have such kind friends when i can't even respect them and put them before myself.

It's like, i only care about myself and my own well-being. In a way, i think i like being pitied but then, when i am shown that they are pitying me, i resent them for it.

I am a walking contradiction. I hate myself for it. I just don't know what to do.

I think i'm about to give up. I just can't take it anymore. Suicide is not an option for me, so instead, i take it out on those around me. Those who care enough to stick around and who i, in return, hurt. I really do want to give up. I don't want to stay here and just hurt them more. But i'm too much of a coward to inflict pain upon myself.

God, i am such a bitch. When something bothers me, i don't try to fix it. No, because if i was to confront them about it, i would be seen as a totaly asshole and that is why i don't do it. I want to be seen as the innocent one who does nothing wrong. But in fact, i am not. I'm not innocent and never will be.

I just don't understand myself. The way i work and what exactly i am living this shit life for in the first place.

Why waste space when someone better and a hell of a lot kinder than me could be in my place right now?

~Aurora

Mission 1: Fail

I woke up feeling like crap today. I just couldn't manage to bring up my spirits. All the positive thoughts i possessed yesturday had all disappeared. I tried to prepare myself for the day ahead. Thinking up different methods to approach people in the shower.

My first project was Carmen. A hug and some idle chat was all we did. But i suppose it was enough. Carmen seemed strong enough. More than me, i think.

Thuy was next. It was depressing to note that she was still down in the dumps. I tried talking to her, gave her a hug. But i suppose nothing could really help the pain we both felt inside. We both agreed to take the rest of this week to mourn and to start fresh next week.

At recess, everything was actually pretty normal. Laughs here and there. It felt quite good. But Michelle wasn't really happy. I watched as she left with Stephanie in the direction of the toilets. She had been awfully quiet during recess and i was worried about her, so i lost my good natured act. When i couldn't take it any longer, i got up and went in the direction of the toilet to see if she was alright. However, i saw that she was not in the toilet but near it, talking to Steph about something. Not wanting to intrude, i trudged back to the group and sat in silence. When she arrived back, i asked if she was alright. She said she was fine, but her face told me otherwise. I gave her a hug and vowed to drill her the details in maths.

I walked off with lucy and she asked me what was wrong with Michelle. I told her what i had said to Michelle and we left it at that. Commerce passed by without much drama. We just decided to ask the rest of the group if they could come to just hang out after school, during lunch so then we could just ask them altogether.

At Maths, true to my words, i asked Michelle what was up. After much reluctance and a lot of persuading, she gave in and told us why she was upset. It was because of the after school hanging out thing. She was upset that we hadn't asked her yesturday, when she was actually online or hadn't called her. She was afraid it would be like her old group, where they would decide everything and then tell her as a last thought.

I wasn't angry at Michelle. I repeatedly apologised to her and to thuy because it was my fault. I shouldn't have left them out and all. I was angry at myself. I was suppose to be lifting up their spirits, helping them get out their feelings so they wouldn't have to feel the pain themselves and yet here i was, doing nothing but making them feel worse. I knew by everyone's silence after Michelle said this that they weren't happy about it. I felt so horrible. So i just kept quiet, avoiding anyone's eye contact and just keeping low. I went through maths and science like that.

Lunch was incredibly silent once again. Lucy, oblivious to what was going on, asked, as planned, the group whether they could go out after school. Thuy was the only one that said yes. I just sat silently, eating my lunch and avoiding everyone's eyes. Lucy, worried about what happened, asked me to go library with her. There, i filled her in on what i had been told..knowing that Michelle didn't want to tell anyone, but also realising that it would only make sense if she knew it. Lucy was a little down after that, but still tried to remain level-headed. She said that she hadn't planned for it to happen like this and that it was just suppose to turn out so bad.

We got back and i just sat there, head in my hand, staring into space. Lucy, probably not taking my silence very well, asked me whether we should just cancel the outing since it would only be very awkward after school. So we cancelled it and i left to tell my sister that i wasn't going anymore.

As soon as the bell rang, i just left the group and went to my own class.

I just feel so terrible because i shouldn't have approach this situation the way i did. I was just so upset and worried because if this is how it is going to be like when Rae is still here, i can't even bear to imagine what it would be like when she really does leave. And it's killing me, what is happening right now is not fair to all of us, especially to Raeanne, who would probably feel so bad to be leaving us and us making this harder for her. I was suppose to respect her wishes, be happy for her. But here i am, just making the situation worse.

I just can't take it any longer. I feel so tired, so so so tired. And i can't take these silent lunches any longer. It's killing me inside. I don't know if i could sit another lunch time of it. I debated sitting with another group for while, just to avoid it all. But it isn't fair to everyone, i shouldn't be running away from this. It wouldn't help at all. I just don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do...

~Aurora

Rae~Light that shines over us no matter where it is

Oh god, i don't know where to begin..

Today my friend dropped a bombshell on our group. She was moving to Canada...for good. It didn't sink in at first. I just stared as my friends hugged her. One of my friends even started crying. And i guess i felt sorta guilty for not feeling what i was suppose to be feeling: regret, sadness etc. But over time, it really did hit me. I just stared lifelessly into nothing, blinking away tears when my eyes felt hot. Trying hard not to think about it. Class was like a blur for me.

Lunch was really hard. Raeanne, the girl leaving us, had clarinet tutorials and it was just the rest of us. It was abnormally quiet, each and every one of us in our own little worlds. I guess i couldn't take the silence because i decided to go toilet and ended up hanging with my friend and her friend. I probably didn't want to go back in there and sit in silence. The fresh air did me good...in a way.

We had the computer competition after that. I don't know if it was because Raeanne was sitting next to me, or because i just couldn't concentrate, but i could barely work on the test. After the test, I just talked with her like normal.

I guess my split personality does come in handy sometimes. I was able to keep up my fascade and just act normal. Or maybe i just act normal even when something is bugging me because i don't want to show people how i am feeling. Whatever it was, i managed to get passed school without any waterworks.

However, as soon as i got in the car and was being driven home. I started to tear up a bit. Maybe it was because i was explaining to my sister what happened today. And it doesn't sound as bad when some else says it, but when it came out of my own mouth, it was real. It wasn't just some silly nightmare.

At home, i tried to get some work done. And i did! Which is pretty good. But then i spent some time in my room..just crying my eyes out. And here i am, doing it again.

It's really hard. I can't explain what i am feeling. My heart just hurts and i just begin to tear it up here and there. I just..didn't expect it, you know? I mean, i had guessed that it was the important thing that she wanted to tell us, but i didn't expect it to really be it. She is a really close friend to me and it's gonna be so weird without her. And it's hard now and she's still here. What's it going to be like when she really does go?

I want to be strong. I promised to respect her wishes no matter what. And here i am, not respecting it at all. I'm trying really hard to stay strong and to be happy around her because i don't want her to see me like this. To know that this is what is really happening to me. I'm good at school, because i can just be happy without having to try because it is part of my other personality. But as soon as i am alone, i just get to upset.

I don't want her to feel bad about her decision. I respect her wish and i want her to go there knowing that i am happy for her and that she doesn't need to feel bad about leaving.

I want to look positively. I want to be able to cherish the time we still have together. I don't want to spend it, crying and being upset over something that i obviously can't change.

Let's think of it this way. We still have heaps of time left with her, to make special, unforgettable memories. And it's that's not even the end. Even with her at Canada, it's not as if she is off the face of the Earth. We can still talk to her online and webcam and everything. Plus, she might even come to visit some times, or we could go over there for our next holiday or something. It is not the end!

Alright! I shall cry my eyes out tonight. Then start out fresh tomorrow!

First mission: Talk to people in group individually! It totally won't work if i'm the only one that is trying to create good memories. You know what they say, 6 heads are better than one ;)

Aza aza fighting!

~Aurora

Hope after dread

It's strange to know that I am a totally different person at school and at home. It's like i have two personalities. And I think I slip into them unconsciously. When deciding which one is my actually my real personality, i am totally clueless. It's like an internal battle as to which one dominates, and basically, it's one hell of a crazy process.

Right now, i am back to being the depressed retard that i am. Again, it frustrates me to no end because i am just so ignorant as to what i am so sad and depressed at. I mean, come on, this is my own body and mind, you would think that i would know what is happening to myself. But it seems so foreign to me. I feel the signs and symptoms, but the cause is out of my reach, as is the treatment.

These past few weeks have been nothing but a blurb in my mind. It's like i have fallen into a deep sleep and every time i wake up, it is a different day and the whole process starts over again. Sometimes i feel as if i am a working robot. I got to school, go home, eat, do homework, bludge, sleep. Next day, same process.

Maybe i am suffering from lack of inspiration or spice. Maybe i need to do something that i find worth doing. I certainly do not think that highly of school, that's for sure. I like the idea of cooking, baking desserts that i love to eat. However, the actual process of cooking is another story.

I think the thing i find that depresses me the most is what i am doing with my life. No goals, no wishes. Just the idea of getting through the day. Not exactly what you would call a great life. No, it's what you would describe as a boring, no hope life.

I know what i can do to break free from that boring, repetitive cycle. However, it's one thing to think about it. And a totally different thing to actually do it. My mind is full of inspiring, life changing ideas that i am sure would make my life a lot more interesting. But my body is the boring, lifeless thing that does not seem to be able to keep up with my mind.

What do i live for in life? What is it that keeps me going? It certainly isn't my goals. Because if that was the case, i'd be dead already. This journey of finding myself is one long, hard rollercoaster that has already brought me to my knees. And when I thought that it couldn't get any worse, but it proved me wrong by bringing me, face first, to the ground.

I mean, you should know everything about yourself right? The way you would twitch your eye if you lied, how you like to play with your jacket when you are nervous. Stuff like that. But again, i have been proven wrong. Through this process of whatever-you-would-call-it, i have come to realise that i know absolutely nothing about myself other than the physical actions i do. And even that, i don't know all of.

I guess what i am learning to do is to find myself. Start from the very beginning and work out every single detail about myself. And i know it'll be a difficult challenge. But like the picture at the very start of this blog entry: After every rain, there is usually a rainbow waiting to be seen. In my case, after this long, crazy rollercoaster ride, I think i'll be able to gain something great, even if it is just something that seems so insignificant.

And i know this is going to be hell. But what can i do? To hell with it, i might as well give it a goal.

Oh and don't worry, i'll be sure to inform you of every step of the way :D

~Aurora

No more test!

Woohoo!!! No more test!

Well...for now anyways. I am really glad that it is over but for some reason, i don't feel very happy at all. Today i found out i got 99% for my Maths test and I know that it is definately a very very good score, no doubt about it. But i can't seem to be happy about it for unknown reasons. Jeez..i'm so ungrateful, i get an excellent score that people would kill to get and yet i can't even be happy about it.

Sigh...why don't i feel happy? I thought i would be so pleased to have finished all my test but nooooo, i am not and i feel i am so stupid for feeling like this..like crap.
I blame it on the tiredness i feel and from the lack of sleep i get..even though i get a reasonable amount of sleep. Ergh...what to do?
Sing? I mean..i always feel good after singing..but i don't feel like it today..
Sleep? But i can't be bothered. And what a waste of time it would be.
Play games? I would if i wasn't capped. And besides...the games that i can play are boring.
Watch dramas? Pfft..i wish..too bad i'm capped.
Eat? And become a fat pig? Hell no!

Haha..i seriously don't know what to do...I suppose i should do my homework to get it out of the way or just for something to do.

Maybe it's coz my life seems so empty right now. I don't have a major crush on any guy so i can't really gush about that..

Oh whatever, i'll just bury myself in homework.

~Aurora

The Pains of Life

urgh...while i should be studying for english, i just really can't be bothered!

So i shall tell you about my latest worries: the future.

I know i've been talking about not worrying too much about the future and how we are still young and everything. But i am really confused as to where to go in my life. Everyone's been trying to decide what subjects they want to pick for yr 11 and what they are going in the future, what they are studying for, but i am just stuck. It's like, i do have roads out in front of me, but they all go in different directions and i am just spinning round and round trying to pick one. Urgh..i am getting a headache just thinking about it.

The future looks so far away, yet so close as well. And yea, maybe i don't need to think that far yet, but i still haven't even found a place to do work experience! Yea, i say that it's because i have tests to get out of the way first. But i think that's really just a lame excuse. I think i have the issue of wanting to venture out into the big wide world but not wanting to leave my comfort zone that i have built around myself. It is really frustrating!

I have also become really lazy. I don't know when it started but all of a sudden, i can hardly concentrate on my homework, let alone my test and it's really bugging me. I know that yr 10 isn't that big a deal and that the real deal starts in yr 11. But i also don't want to fail, EVER! And yea, i'm not going to fail if i get lazy but i do get angry at myself when i don't try my best and i know that i could've done better. And yet, knowing all of this, i still haven't learnt my lesson an broken out of that habit.

Sometimes, i just sit around thinking about life. And i think back to my past and all that i have achieved and i can only get pissed off at what a failure i was. I have done nothing so far that i have been able to say: "Give yourself a pat on the back! That was a job well done." All i can say is: "Well..at least you survived" or "God, you're so useless!". It's terrifying to know that it's been quite a while since i popped into this strange world and yet i've done nothing worth mentioning.

On Saturday in English tutoring, we were reading this poem and it was talking about how there is this boy who entered this world, gone into this commercialised world, worried about his image and so forth, only to die with nothing. It's like saying that whatever happens in life will be worth nothing once you are dead anyways, so there is not point worrying about small things. And in a way, that is totally true. However, i do want to make a different, even if it is something tiny. Yet it is something i have yet to achieve.

Ergh..this is so damn confusing.

Stuff this! I have a freaken english test to study for! Not to mention Master Chef is starting soon :D I am so naughty!

Lol. Until next time :P

~Aurora

Children trying to be adults

I was talking to my sister yesturday and she was telling me how us kids don't realise how young we actually are. We try to act more mature, more responsible than our age. We try to be like an adult when really, we don't need to.

It's funny how children try to be more adult like and want to be older. But then when they become older, they realise how hard it really is and wish that they were young again.

Don't you just wish you were younger and had that same innocence that little kids have? The type that allows you to have no worries and just enjoy life, laughing at the simpliest things.

It's sad to note that the innocence will be gone and we will be left the face the harsh reality and the consequences of life.

But also note that we are not old yet. There is still a long long time before we should allow ourselves to even have the slightest thought of wishing to be younger. We are still young, we still have that innocence that makes life seem so happy and fun. So take advantage of that and live it to the fullest because you won't always have that innocence.

However, don't lose faith in the future either. It may seem like a very dark, hard and horrible future. But it really isn't. As long as you try your hardest and do the things you love, everything will always be happy and fun! So live your life to the fullest now as well as in the future!

~Aurora

The people around me

"A friend is one who believes in you when you have ceased to believe in yourself."

~Unknown~

Today i have learnt a lot. A lot of how important it is to trust in yourself and your friends. About how I am not totally alone in that dark, black hole. And how there are many, many people around me who will be there whenever i fall. I thank you guys all, for your kind words and the comfort you give to me.

I am proud to say that I didn't shed a tear today. I am a step closer to that exit again. And i know it will be hard and I am absolutely dreading it. But I am comforted by the fact that I have many people surrounding me and cushioning my fall if i was ever to fall.

But I have also noticed that there are some who tread around me after they found out how I am feeling inside. I am no different from who i was, so there is no need to tread around me. They ask how I feel and question me once more just to make sure. Well..i am fine. I really am. It warms me to know that they care about me. But please note that I am still me. I haven't changed in any way or form. I may feel bad sometimes, but that is only occasionally. By slowly treading around me, careful not to pull at the wrong string, it makes me feel as if i am not normal. That i have something wrong with me. And while that may be the case, it is disheartening to be shown this. I'm sure that even those that do have something wrong with them do not want to be pampered just because they have something wrong because it is just a reminder to them that they are not normal. I am just the same.

So please, I am totally grateful that you guys are worried about me and care about my well being. But i really don't need to be pampered. I will be fine if you just treat me normally.

~Aurora

Tired

Hey all that are reading,

Tired? So am I. Physically, mentally and emotionally. As a combo, it's not a very good thing, especially for my body. I use this blog as a way of communicating myself, expressing how i feel and in a way, i suppose it does help. But i think i need more than just this. It's not as if one day, this blog would suddenly starting talking back to me. No. I need someone. Someone to talk to. And as sappy and cliched as it sounds, i need my knight in shining armour. It doesn't have to be a guy and it is definately not hinting that i want a boyfriend. I just...really need someone to talk to. I know i can rely on my friends to just listen and everything, even if it is online. But i know that i need more than just listening. I need advice, shouting at, even crying at, to know that someone cares about what is going on in my life right now. I know that they care about me, i really do. But as selfish as this sounds, I just really want someone to sympathise/empathise with me. To actually show that they care physically. I hate having to act that everything is ok when really, it really isn't that okay. Sure I only feel sad at night, but i still need reassurance in the morning.

I just wish...wish that someone could help me. Someone could understand me, know what i am going through and help me because i really feel as if i am dying inside. I want to scream, to beg for someone to help me, to save me from this pain. And i know it sounds really melodramatic and i probably am being dramatic, but i just really need someone to help me.

But when i say reassurance, i don't want the kind that will say that everything will be alright over time and to just keep my spirits high and all. Neither do i want the cold harsh reality that i have to face this alone. I want the reassurance that they'll be there every step of the way, through good times and bad times, through thick and thin. It's a hell of a lot to ask for, which is probably why i haven't found my saviour yet.

What should i do? I really thought i was getting there. I thought it was going to make it to that bright, white exit door, out of this dark creepy place. But i'm back to step 1. It took me so long to get to where i was. How can i live like this?

~Aurora

Time Heals Everything

Hi all!

Just felt like writing..so here i am.

As you all know, if you have read my latest post..that is, i have been feeling down at odd hours..haha, sounds weird. Well, as the title suggests, time does heal everything. I don't feel a hundred percent better and i have a fair long way to get there. But i suppose you could say that i am getting better. I still have strange urges to cry, and most of the time it's for unidentified reasons, but i've managed to hold it in. I know that crying is suppose to help but in my case, it sorta reminds me of how i am upset and everything. Whereas if i wasn't crying, i would at least be able to carry on with life.

Recently i finished reading 'P.S. I Love You', a book that my lovely friends gave to me for my birthday. From that book, in some way, i learnt to not take things for granted and to overcome my fear of doing something and just take the initiative to do it, just so that you won't regret it later. Haha..i know that i still have a long way to actually take that advice into stride but it's a pretty inspiring force just to hear and think about it. Like, to know that one day you'll be able to overcome the concept of fear and just dive head first and do things that you wouldn't ever dream of doing.

Other than that, friends help. I know that most would say family helps and everything. And i am really close to one of my sisters and i usually tell her everything. But i believe people do drift apart. Well...maybe not drift apart because we still are relatively close. However, i sometimes feel we don't have the same connection that we used to have. I find myself regularly disapproving some of the things she does and vice versa. And trust me when i say i have tried to talk to her. But i guess, she, like I, also have that problem of not being able to express herself. Or maybe she just doesn't know what to say. I don't blame her. She has her own problems to deal with and i suppose this one problem is something that i should take on myself. And the rest of my family is a total no-no. Not that they are bad or anything. But i guess, they won't understand. However, i am grateful towards all my friends! My heart goes out to them. For being so supportive (well..those that know anyways) and understanding. Sure they don't really do much. Can't help much actually, because i really don't expect them to understand what i am going through. I mean, how can they when i, myself, don't even know what it is that i am going through. But i am glad that they are there for me, just to listen to me and to let me have someone to talk to and let out all that has been bottled up inside of me. And so, for that, i am totally grateful.

However, i guess i expected the friends i talked to, to actually approach me at school and talk to me..you know? Just to ask how i was going or just to strike up a conversation. But they didn't, they just acted as if everything was normal. And, yea, i guess i understand that they have their reasons and that not everything revolves around me. I guess i was just hoping to get the reassurance that everything was going to okay in person..coz i usually told them online or something. But i'm not angry at them because they were still there for me and helped me through the rough times :)

Music is also another very useful source. Haha, i practically listen to it 24/7, 7 days a week. It helps me clear my thoughts and concentrate. And it's useful for when i'm bored. Haha, i am totally greatful to whoever introduced music and invented mp3s. What would i do without them? I especially love how there are different songs to suit my different moods. And some are really encourgaing for when times get rough. hahaha

So, i guess all i need to do now is look ahead. Live for the future. Or maybe, the present. I mean, the future is important, but what is most important is the present, the time in which you are suppose to live to your fullest coz there will never come another day like that. I shall relax, breeze through school, praying desparately for it to pass and then have the time of my life in the holidays. Time for myself, to find exactly what i want to do with my life, to hang out with my friends on a nice deserved break and to hang out with my family, the people i love the most :P.

Fighting!

~Aurora

It's been a while

Hey guys!

It's been a while hasn't it? Geez...reading back over the past few posts, i find myself revisiting those moments. Good news is that the friendship problem has been resolved...actually, it was resolved ages ago but..hehe..

I am now faced with another problem that i shall now load onto you guys.
I don't know why, how or exactly when but i've been feeling pretty down (coz depressed is too strong a word to use) lately. The strange thing is that i only feel it at night. I've talked to my friends about it and discussed it, trying desperately to find a reason for these sudden mood swings and i finally sort of found a reason for it. We, my friend and i, decided that i was lost. As in, i haven't exactly found who i am, my real self. I've been shifting from this cheerful, hyper-active girl at school to a quiet, shy girl in front of people i don't know to a bitchy, pissy freak at home and i just don't know what to expect.

Right now, i just feel like crying and i don't know why. It's like, sometimes, i just suddenly have urges to cry and it's so strange. People said being a teenager was hard and that we go through all these moody stages or something along those lines. But nothing could prepare me for what i am going through now.

It's so fustrating. All i want is for these feelings to leave, so i can be cheerful and happy and just live life to the fullest. But i can't. All i can do is just do everything i can to get past the day and go on to the next one, hoping that one day i can wake up and feel all better again. But i know that it isn't that simple. I realise that i have to find myself...god, sounds so sappy. But like...just search for an answer. However, it's easier said than done. I don't know what exactly i am looking for so how can i even search for it.

I don't even recognise myself anymore. It's like, i'm not really living. Just passing by the days and it's killing me inside. I don't know who to talk to that would understand me either. It's so hard. I mean, i know i have my friends and family supporting me and that they would listen to me when i want to talk to someone. But i don't think that they would really understand what i am going through. I really need someone who understands me, what i am going through. Someone who can be my 'rock', as my friend so kindly puts it. But where will i find such a person?

One friend suggested that maybe i am looking for a boyfriend. But i don't think that is true. I can barely talked to a guy, let alone get a boyfriend. Besides, i really don't think that is what i need right now. But i get what she is trying to grasp at.

I also feel a lot more tired nowadays. I don't know if it's because i sleep a little later or maybe because i wake up a little earlier, but yea. I just feel so tired at school. I'm also getting really lazy. I can barely restrain myself to get work done. It's definately not good at all.

I'm basically totally messed up right now and i just don't know where to go from here. But i'm glad to have gotten that out of my system. I feel a little better :)

~Aurora