Mission 1: Fail

I woke up feeling like crap today. I just couldn't manage to bring up my spirits. All the positive thoughts i possessed yesturday had all disappeared. I tried to prepare myself for the day ahead. Thinking up different methods to approach people in the shower.

My first project was Carmen. A hug and some idle chat was all we did. But i suppose it was enough. Carmen seemed strong enough. More than me, i think.

Thuy was next. It was depressing to note that she was still down in the dumps. I tried talking to her, gave her a hug. But i suppose nothing could really help the pain we both felt inside. We both agreed to take the rest of this week to mourn and to start fresh next week.

At recess, everything was actually pretty normal. Laughs here and there. It felt quite good. But Michelle wasn't really happy. I watched as she left with Stephanie in the direction of the toilets. She had been awfully quiet during recess and i was worried about her, so i lost my good natured act. When i couldn't take it any longer, i got up and went in the direction of the toilet to see if she was alright. However, i saw that she was not in the toilet but near it, talking to Steph about something. Not wanting to intrude, i trudged back to the group and sat in silence. When she arrived back, i asked if she was alright. She said she was fine, but her face told me otherwise. I gave her a hug and vowed to drill her the details in maths.

I walked off with lucy and she asked me what was wrong with Michelle. I told her what i had said to Michelle and we left it at that. Commerce passed by without much drama. We just decided to ask the rest of the group if they could come to just hang out after school, during lunch so then we could just ask them altogether.

At Maths, true to my words, i asked Michelle what was up. After much reluctance and a lot of persuading, she gave in and told us why she was upset. It was because of the after school hanging out thing. She was upset that we hadn't asked her yesturday, when she was actually online or hadn't called her. She was afraid it would be like her old group, where they would decide everything and then tell her as a last thought.

I wasn't angry at Michelle. I repeatedly apologised to her and to thuy because it was my fault. I shouldn't have left them out and all. I was angry at myself. I was suppose to be lifting up their spirits, helping them get out their feelings so they wouldn't have to feel the pain themselves and yet here i was, doing nothing but making them feel worse. I knew by everyone's silence after Michelle said this that they weren't happy about it. I felt so horrible. So i just kept quiet, avoiding anyone's eye contact and just keeping low. I went through maths and science like that.

Lunch was incredibly silent once again. Lucy, oblivious to what was going on, asked, as planned, the group whether they could go out after school. Thuy was the only one that said yes. I just sat silently, eating my lunch and avoiding everyone's eyes. Lucy, worried about what happened, asked me to go library with her. There, i filled her in on what i had been told..knowing that Michelle didn't want to tell anyone, but also realising that it would only make sense if she knew it. Lucy was a little down after that, but still tried to remain level-headed. She said that she hadn't planned for it to happen like this and that it was just suppose to turn out so bad.

We got back and i just sat there, head in my hand, staring into space. Lucy, probably not taking my silence very well, asked me whether we should just cancel the outing since it would only be very awkward after school. So we cancelled it and i left to tell my sister that i wasn't going anymore.

As soon as the bell rang, i just left the group and went to my own class.

I just feel so terrible because i shouldn't have approach this situation the way i did. I was just so upset and worried because if this is how it is going to be like when Rae is still here, i can't even bear to imagine what it would be like when she really does leave. And it's killing me, what is happening right now is not fair to all of us, especially to Raeanne, who would probably feel so bad to be leaving us and us making this harder for her. I was suppose to respect her wishes, be happy for her. But here i am, just making the situation worse.

I just can't take it any longer. I feel so tired, so so so tired. And i can't take these silent lunches any longer. It's killing me inside. I don't know if i could sit another lunch time of it. I debated sitting with another group for while, just to avoid it all. But it isn't fair to everyone, i shouldn't be running away from this. It wouldn't help at all. I just don't know what to do.

I really don't know what to do...

~Aurora