It's strange to know that I am a totally different person at school and at home. It's like i have two personalities. And I think I slip into them unconsciously. When deciding which one is my actually my real personality, i am totally clueless. It's like an internal battle as to which one dominates, and basically, it's one hell of a crazy process.
Right now, i am back to being the depressed retard that i am. Again, it frustrates me to no end because i am just so ignorant as to what i am so sad and depressed at. I mean, come on, this is my own body and mind, you would think that i would know what is happening to myself. But it seems so foreign to me. I feel the signs and symptoms, but the cause is out of my reach, as is the treatment.
These past few weeks have been nothing but a blurb in my mind. It's like i have fallen into a deep sleep and every time i wake up, it is a different day and the whole process starts over again. Sometimes i feel as if i am a working robot. I got to school, go home, eat, do homework, bludge, sleep. Next day, same process.
Maybe i am suffering from lack of inspiration or spice. Maybe i need to do something that i find worth doing. I certainly do not think that highly of school, that's for sure. I like the idea of cooking, baking desserts that i love to eat. However, the actual process of cooking is another story.
I think the thing i find that depresses me the most is what i am doing with my life. No goals, no wishes. Just the idea of getting through the day. Not exactly what you would call a great life. No, it's what you would describe as a boring, no hope life.
I know what i can do to break free from that boring, repetitive cycle. However, it's one thing to think about it. And a totally different thing to actually do it. My mind is full of inspiring, life changing ideas that i am sure would make my life a lot more interesting. But my body is the boring, lifeless thing that does not seem to be able to keep up with my mind.
What do i live for in life? What is it that keeps me going? It certainly isn't my goals. Because if that was the case, i'd be dead already. This journey of finding myself is one long, hard rollercoaster that has already brought me to my knees. And when I thought that it couldn't get any worse, but it proved me wrong by bringing me, face first, to the ground.
I mean, you should know everything about yourself right? The way you would twitch your eye if you lied, how you like to play with your jacket when you are nervous. Stuff like that. But again, i have been proven wrong. Through this process of whatever-you-would-call-it, i have come to realise that i know absolutely nothing about myself other than the physical actions i do. And even that, i don't know all of.
I guess what i am learning to do is to find myself. Start from the very beginning and work out every single detail about myself. And i know it'll be a difficult challenge. But like the picture at the very start of this blog entry: After every rain, there is usually a rainbow waiting to be seen. In my case, after this long, crazy rollercoaster ride, I think i'll be able to gain something great, even if it is just something that seems so insignificant.
And i know this is going to be hell. But what can i do? To hell with it, i might as well give it a goal.
Oh and don't worry, i'll be sure to inform you of every step of the way :D
~Aurora
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