Rae~Light that shines over us no matter where it is

Oh god, i don't know where to begin..

Today my friend dropped a bombshell on our group. She was moving to Canada...for good. It didn't sink in at first. I just stared as my friends hugged her. One of my friends even started crying. And i guess i felt sorta guilty for not feeling what i was suppose to be feeling: regret, sadness etc. But over time, it really did hit me. I just stared lifelessly into nothing, blinking away tears when my eyes felt hot. Trying hard not to think about it. Class was like a blur for me.

Lunch was really hard. Raeanne, the girl leaving us, had clarinet tutorials and it was just the rest of us. It was abnormally quiet, each and every one of us in our own little worlds. I guess i couldn't take the silence because i decided to go toilet and ended up hanging with my friend and her friend. I probably didn't want to go back in there and sit in silence. The fresh air did me good...in a way.

We had the computer competition after that. I don't know if it was because Raeanne was sitting next to me, or because i just couldn't concentrate, but i could barely work on the test. After the test, I just talked with her like normal.

I guess my split personality does come in handy sometimes. I was able to keep up my fascade and just act normal. Or maybe i just act normal even when something is bugging me because i don't want to show people how i am feeling. Whatever it was, i managed to get passed school without any waterworks.

However, as soon as i got in the car and was being driven home. I started to tear up a bit. Maybe it was because i was explaining to my sister what happened today. And it doesn't sound as bad when some else says it, but when it came out of my own mouth, it was real. It wasn't just some silly nightmare.

At home, i tried to get some work done. And i did! Which is pretty good. But then i spent some time in my room..just crying my eyes out. And here i am, doing it again.

It's really hard. I can't explain what i am feeling. My heart just hurts and i just begin to tear it up here and there. I just..didn't expect it, you know? I mean, i had guessed that it was the important thing that she wanted to tell us, but i didn't expect it to really be it. She is a really close friend to me and it's gonna be so weird without her. And it's hard now and she's still here. What's it going to be like when she really does go?

I want to be strong. I promised to respect her wishes no matter what. And here i am, not respecting it at all. I'm trying really hard to stay strong and to be happy around her because i don't want her to see me like this. To know that this is what is really happening to me. I'm good at school, because i can just be happy without having to try because it is part of my other personality. But as soon as i am alone, i just get to upset.

I don't want her to feel bad about her decision. I respect her wish and i want her to go there knowing that i am happy for her and that she doesn't need to feel bad about leaving.

I want to look positively. I want to be able to cherish the time we still have together. I don't want to spend it, crying and being upset over something that i obviously can't change.

Let's think of it this way. We still have heaps of time left with her, to make special, unforgettable memories. And it's that's not even the end. Even with her at Canada, it's not as if she is off the face of the Earth. We can still talk to her online and webcam and everything. Plus, she might even come to visit some times, or we could go over there for our next holiday or something. It is not the end!

Alright! I shall cry my eyes out tonight. Then start out fresh tomorrow!

First mission: Talk to people in group individually! It totally won't work if i'm the only one that is trying to create good memories. You know what they say, 6 heads are better than one ;)

Aza aza fighting!

~Aurora