My state of being

I'm a muddle. No, not a puddle, but a muddle. Don't ask me where i got that word from because i honestly don't know. I just feel as if that word...whatever it means, describes how i am feeling. It's back to being depressed..although, i know i shouldn't use that word because I've learnt that depressed is a really strong word that means a whole lot more than what i am feeling. Anyways, i'm blabbering.

I'm just so tired of life. I feel as if all the energy i have has been zapped out of me and left me with only a shell. Everyday seems to pass by very quickly, a blur to me. I can barely stay awake in class now and it sort of frightens me. I used to never NEVER nearly fall asleep in class. I was always awake. But now...i find myself falling and i just don't know what is happening. Also, my test...I'm just not putting in 100% anymore and it kills me. I've been doing well in my tests, why am i slacking off NOW? Out of all times to slack off, i start to slack off when it begins to get important. I'm so worried that i will be so lazy and out of it as time goes by.

Also...I've lost my sense of direction. While there are many people who can clearly see the path ahead of them, I am not one of them. I'm not even one of those people who can at least see a little light in the path. All i see is a murky darkness with only the pathway i have been by or am at now being seen. What's ahead seems so unclear and although sometimes, i feel as if i can finally get a glimpse at it, it all too soon disappears once more, leaving me confused, lost and vulnerable.

I want to be able to smile, you know? I want to be able to just let go, feel the wind. To be able to go crazy at random things, bob my head to random music, do something totally out of my comfort zone and just have fun. But no matter how much i try to feel that, i just can't. I'm forever stuck in my little confinement, my closed in box with no way out. No matter how hard i bang against it, i cannot seem to free myself.

And i have contemplated counselling. But i can't help but feel so vulnerable at the thought of it. To not admit to having a problem is not the right thing to do but i don't think i'd be able to tell a stranger of my problems. I know that they are there to help me but i just don't think i can do it. Besides, how can i tell them of my problems when i can't even begin to explain it to myself?

I keep telling myself that i should take it one step at a time. No need to rush things. But i feel as if i am running out of time. I just want to be happy, to live life to the fullest!

~Viv

Scarlet

I don't know whether to be happy or sad. Scarlet didn't sit with us today. I should feel happy because it has been awkward with her and now that she is gone, i don't have to worry about what is happening, what will happen. But I should feel sad because this could be a sign that i lost my friendship with her.

I feel like crying once again. You know, a while back before Scarlet was in the picture, i had begun to feel as if everything was going back to normal...well, as normal as it can be without Raeanne. And then Scarlet came...and everything became so messed up again. I didn't know what to do or how to act around Scarlet. But now that she is gone, i feel torn. On one hand, and i know this is cruel, but i feel relieved, relieved that I don't have to deal with this problem (although i know it's still hanging in the air). On the other hand, i feel as if i have betrayed Scarlet. She trusted me, turned to me when she was vulnerable, confided in me...even if it wasn't about her actual problem and all i did was avoid her. What kind of friend does that?

I know i should confront her. I should at least talk to her. But i'm so scared. I don't think you guys understand, but when something around me happens, i tend to get affected by it and most of the time, it causes me to feel very upset.

I feel like such a bad friend. I abandoned her when she needed me most. I did nothing to help her. I just..don't know what to do. I don't want to lose her. I don't want her to end up like all the other broken friendships i ended up having. She isn't the closest person to me, hell, we don't really talk about personal stuff (I didn't even realised how close she was to her friends!) but she is still a good friend of mine and i don't want to lose what we have. But how the hell am i suppose to fix something like this when i can't even approach her, let alone talk to her.

~Aurora

Hi.

It's been a while hasn't it? I have a lot to say, a lot of things that have been on my chest for a very long time that i haven't been able to convey to anyone.

Firstly, there is friendship. Scarlet joining the group had been a really unexpected situation. I have constantly been tossing between not minding it to holding doubts about it. I don't understand myself. I mean, Scarlet is a great person. I've known her since yr 4, not on a very close level, but close enough to be considered a very good friend. But there seems to be something holding me back from accepting her.

A few days back, she had expressed how she thought i was practically like her best friend, although she said she couldn't really call me that since she hadn't exactly done anything for me like i had apparently done for her. On mufti day, i noticed she wore the bracelet i gave her, those bracelets where you can get a pair for you and your best friend which i had given to her one birthday. She called me kind, nice and all these other nice things, but i'm none of the things she says i am.

I don't know what to do. I can hardly speak properly with her anymore. I find it awfully awkward and it's really a shame. I don't want to ruin our friendship over something like this. Something that shouldn't be that big of a problem, but something that i have somehow blown over proportion, overreacted. I am really annoyed at myself but at the same time, very confused.

Which brings me on to my next problem: Raeanne. Thinking about Scarlet entering our group, makes me think back to Rae. I really really miss her. No words can describe how much i want to just talk to her right now, to see her again. I find myself always scrolling down the list of people online on msn, searching for her. Checking my emails to see if she sent me any emails. Even going as far as to going on facebook and seeing what she has been up to. My lord, i've turned into a freaken stalker!

I just really miss her. I miss her quirks, her strange ways and just her easy going attitude, always creating an uplifting atmosphere. She knows exactly what to do to make people feel welcome and certainly knows how to break up an awkward situation...although, i can't say the same for when we speak on the phone. Hehe. Hopefully i can talk to her soon.

Then, we have the family problem. I supposed things have died down a lot, but i can't help but feel resentful towards my mum. I know i shouldn't, she has done nothing wrong, rather, i have done something wrong to her. It's just, my mum and i have never been very close..not since my little sister came along. I have never really had heart to heart conversations with her. So when she decides to make an input in my life, i am naturally closed off and just brush her off in a very irritated tone. She would then scold me, telling me not to, and i quote 'Don't be like your sister!".

She says that about everything, i swear. Even since my sister and my mum had a feud, whatever we don't do right or if we give attitude, my mum would be like 'Don't be like your sister". It is absolutely frustrating! I mean, how about if it has nothing to do with my oldest sister. Not everything revolves around her. We have our own opinions and characteristics.

On Saturday, my mum reached her final straw when my little sister got irritated that my mum was helping her cook her egg. My mum called us disrespectful and said she didn't know how she could have given birth to us when we were so inconsiderate and treated her so badly. She said she wasn't here so we could have a go at her.

I should've been sorry. I should've felt bad. And i did, but i also felt so annoyed at her. She has a right to blow up at us. I know this. But i was pissed off at her for it. I can't even look at her straight anymore and our conversations are strained.

I'm just so tired of everything. I wish i could just sleep for eternity so then i won't have to worry about things. But i can't..i have to live on.

~Aurora

Well, I've sort of stuck to what i vowed to do yesturday. Downloaded some songs, watch some episodes of the drama i was currently watching, did my jap homework, did some maths homework catch uping, did my tutoring maths homework and played games. Wow..listing it out, it sounds like quite a mouthful!

Haha..when i was thinking over what i had written yesturday, i sorta realised that i may have used the excuse of not finishing my dramas as an excuse to watch them. hahahaha...but seriously, i really do think i have an issue with doing something and never being able to finish it. It is really frustrating really.

Good news people! I haven't been thinking any bad thoughts all day! Aside from being a little pissed off at my mum for nagging on and on about crap, i've been relatively happy all day! Thinking about it right now makes me smile.

I'm not gonna say i'm healing, because i don't know that for sure, plus, last time i said that it wasn't true.

I'm gonna work hard from now on. Healing is a long, hard and tiring process that consists of opening wounds in the heart and slowly repairing them up, stitch by stitch. It's gonna be tough and the wounds may come unloose every now and then, but over time, step by step, I believe i'll be able to overcome it. I was talking to my sister today, while randomly making fruit juice (my sister's idea). She was telling me about how she's been depressed as well. And I know there have been obvious signs from everyone, but i finally came to terms with the fact that there are people out there who are probably going through the same thing that i am going through, even if it isn't the same situation or the same problem.

We all search for that someone who we can talk to, who will be able to tell us what we yearn to hear, that even, we, ourselves don't know what is. And yeah...the only person i can truly rely on to give me the cold hard truth while being able to softly guide me to the light, is myself. Whether i hate it or love it or harbour feelings in between, it will be there for me whether i like it or not. I might as well learn to live with it, try to understand it and let it guide me and heal me. Because who better to understand me, than myself.

I used to feel really heavy. You know that saying: your body feels like lead. Well, that's what my body felt like, even when i was leaning on something, my arms felt so heavy. But now, it feels lighter. I feel better. And that's a change that i want to EMBRACE ;)

To all those people who are also feeling down, lost, insecure..anything really. While your heart yearns for someone who understands you and who has the answers to all your problems, realise that in most cases, there will be no one out there to help you like that. The cold truth is, the only person you can really rely on to help you is, yourself. So don't fight it, take it into stride, let it guide you because i believe, if there is anyone who can help you in sheding the darkness and guiding you into the light, it is yourself. So stay strong, fight whatever stands in your way and reach what your heart, body and soul desires.

~Aurora