I'm a muddle. No, not a puddle, but a muddle. Don't ask me where i got that word from because i honestly don't know. I just feel as if that word...whatever it means, describes how i am feeling. It's back to being depressed..although, i know i shouldn't use that word because I've learnt that depressed is a really strong word that means a whole lot more than what i am feeling. Anyways, i'm blabbering.
I'm just so tired of life. I feel as if all the energy i have has been zapped out of me and left me with only a shell. Everyday seems to pass by very quickly, a blur to me. I can barely stay awake in class now and it sort of frightens me. I used to never NEVER nearly fall asleep in class. I was always awake. But now...i find myself falling and i just don't know what is happening. Also, my test...I'm just not putting in 100% anymore and it kills me. I've been doing well in my tests, why am i slacking off NOW? Out of all times to slack off, i start to slack off when it begins to get important. I'm so worried that i will be so lazy and out of it as time goes by.
Also...I've lost my sense of direction. While there are many people who can clearly see the path ahead of them, I am not one of them. I'm not even one of those people who can at least see a little light in the path. All i see is a murky darkness with only the pathway i have been by or am at now being seen. What's ahead seems so unclear and although sometimes, i feel as if i can finally get a glimpse at it, it all too soon disappears once more, leaving me confused, lost and vulnerable.
I want to be able to smile, you know? I want to be able to just let go, feel the wind. To be able to go crazy at random things, bob my head to random music, do something totally out of my comfort zone and just have fun. But no matter how much i try to feel that, i just can't. I'm forever stuck in my little confinement, my closed in box with no way out. No matter how hard i bang against it, i cannot seem to free myself.
And i have contemplated counselling. But i can't help but feel so vulnerable at the thought of it. To not admit to having a problem is not the right thing to do but i don't think i'd be able to tell a stranger of my problems. I know that they are there to help me but i just don't think i can do it. Besides, how can i tell them of my problems when i can't even begin to explain it to myself?
I keep telling myself that i should take it one step at a time. No need to rush things. But i feel as if i am running out of time. I just want to be happy, to live life to the fullest!
~Viv
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Vivien, you're right when you say you're not depressed. You have what Holly Golightly calls the 'mean reds'. You're just scared, that's all.
But you've got to know, we're ALL scared. No one knows for sure about anything. No one knows what lies ahead of them. One minute you're all happy, the next- who knows? And in your case, you're scared because you don't know where your life is taking you. But Vivien- there's nothing you can do about that. It's how life rolls. It's natural.
And, alright, so some people have an idea what they want to do when they finish school, but there are also others just like you- they don't know what they want. All I can say is, keep trying. Keep trying to bring back to life that motivation you used to have. You think it's not there (the motivation) but it's just hidden inside you right now, going at a dim glow. What you need to do is fire it up again- how you're going to do that though is completely in your hands. You have to WANT it before you can have it again, Vivs.
My sister has always said to me: "No matter what you want to do in life, the first step is trying. In school, while you're still young, try your hardest and do what you love or enjoy doing, and you will succeed. Never do something you know you're hopeless at, or you know you hate, because you will never succeed and find yourself. In school, just try your hardest and the results will be great marks and the world under your feet." And it's true- although you probably aren't giant enough to actually have the world at your feet, but you get the idea.
So what my sister is trying to say is- or rather, me, coz I'm repeating her words- is try and find what you love to do, try your hardest, never give up, and in the end, there will be the answers you've been waiting so long for. You WILL find your motivation again, and you WILL know what you want to do with your life. But that's not going to take place immediately. What you have to do first is know that you WANT to find out what you want, and it will come. One day- but first, you have to strive for it. And to do that, you have to stay awake in your classes (=]) and just wait and be patient. Because Vivs, let's be realistic here when I say it's not going to work out immediately.
Best of luck, Vivs. And you go, sister! :D
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