Dilemma: English

Hey guys,

I just got back from english tutor this morning. So you are probably wondering what is the meaning behind the title. Don't worry, I'll get to that. But first I should probably give a little background information so that you guys can get a better understanding.

I am no fan of english. That much is true. I find that english is not very straightforward and the fact that there can be more than one answer to any question just throws me off my course. That's exactly why I like maths because most of the time there is only one answer to the question, but that's besides the point.

Anyways, recently, I'd handed in my school exam to my tutor Helen for her to look over it and give me feedback because I didn't do as well as I had expected. I had also handed an essay which I had to do for tutor. Well, I got it back today, as well as some feedback.

She said that I can really write. She's notice that when I like a question and can understand it, I am "on fire" (her words not mine). I can write some of the best responses. But then there are times when I don't like the question and she finds that I don't write as well. And she can't seem to understand that. She says I can write some of the best introductions and my first paragraph is brilliant, but then I start to lose steam or run out of time and I get lazy and my expression gets sloppy and I start to deteriorate. I know exactly what she means, she completely nailed my problem.

She also mentioned my slight problem for reiterating things. And I must admit that I do it.

She told me that I need to have confidence in what I do, to believe that I have discussed a point thoroughly enough and to move on. She said I could give my oldest sister Belinda, who was one of her best students, a run for her money. Which I find absolutely absurd!

She asked me what I thought my problem was and I told her straight "I don't find that I am good at english". She just scoffed.

And here lies my dilemma. She told me that I have to believe in myself, believe in my writing. But how can I when I really do think that I am not good at english? I know my expression is sloppy but I don't know how I can fix it. I do really well in tutor, I get really good marks for my homework and for tests that she sets us, but I always feel like she must've made a mistakes, must've read something entirely different because I believe that the work I do is not as good, not as deserving for the marks that she gives me. Even at school, I do and hand stuff in class and my english teacher praises me for my work. But when I look at it myself, I get really confused because I see an entirely different paper than what they think is there. And the fact that my marks in my exams at school aren't exactly the best serves to prove my point. And I begin to get so confused.

I just...I really believe that I am not good at english. But everyone else thinks otherwise.

I really need to gain some confidence in my english don't I? Obviously my lack of confidence in my english is not helping my situation. But I can't help but think that way because all my life I have had this idea, this opinion of myself, of my english as being really bad. Something that I can't seem to fix.

And it seems to all boil down to my confidence, or should i say, my lack of self esteem. I wish I could be as confident as some of the other people out there. But I'm not and I don't know how to. I obviously need to, in order to improve my english because I really do wanna do well.

So what do you guys think? Any advice? Thoughts? Opinions? And ideas because I really need some advice.

~Aurora

Take a picture

Some of the best pictures are taken by normal people with normal cameras. You don't have to have a top photographer, with a hot shot camera to take beautiful photos. It comes to from the soul.

The ones below are some of my own shots. They aren't anything special but yeah..



Suffocating

Yes, you heard right. Suffocating. That is how I am feeling right now. I just completed 4 maths exercises. Quite a feat don't you thing?  But rather than feel joyous and satisfied, I feel...it's hard to explain. I'm trying to get the right words. I feel downtrodden? confused? unsatisfied? I just...you know how after you complete a small part of your goal, you would feel like your shoulders are a little lighter because some of the load has been taken off? Well, rather than that, the load just feels the same, still daunting and weighing me down. The homework I just completed can be compared to a feather which has been lifted off my should, as opposed to the tonne of bricks still resting on it. Yep, it does come down to nothing.

I just. I don't know how to handle all the stuff that is being thrown at me. I may have finished my maths homework, but it's only just the beginning. I still have to study for my economics quiz that's tomorrow, write notes for economics, do my tutoring and a whole heap of other stuff. The load just never seems to end.

I said that I would definitely take some time, every now and then, to have a little breather. Because, without it, I think I would go insane. But I just don't seem to have the time.

As cliche as it sounds, there seems to be something weighing down on my heart and it hurts. I want to be carefree, I wanna actually be able to take all of this under my stride and still be able to keep smiling and have fun. But it really just seems so impossible.

I look at my sister who is currently doing her HSC and I look at myself. I can't help but compare. She's so carefree, albeit, slightly crazy in the head (side effects of the HSC) but she doesn't seem stressed at all. And then I compare that to me, who is stressed as hell, just doing HOMEWORK! I mean, how does that even make sense? It seems like I'm the one doing the HSC, not my sister.

If I wanted to use another analogy to describe my situation, it would probably be the fact that I'm running a never ending marathon. Everytime I think I see the finish line (which in this case would symbolise my freedom and my HW-freeness), I encounter another obstacle and the goal just seems to extend that much further away from me.

I wish I could stop complaining all the time on this blog and actually post up some happy stuff. But it just doesn't seem to happening any time soon.

I wish you guys all the best of luck in whatever you guys are doing.

~Aurora

Victoria

Heya,

I figured I might as well post up some pictures so you could get an idea of how adorable she is. I haven't taken any pictures of her recently so she looks a little different from the ones below. The first one was from when she was younger. The second one should be more recent.

She's just adorable isn't she?

I love you for who you are

Hello :)

I decided to do another post because I'm happy someone actually enjoys reading them :D

Now, I don't think I've mentioned it in my blog before, but I have an adorable little baby cousin called Victoria who is around 2 to 3 years old. She is just adorable and has lovely big puppy eyes that you can never say no to. She's quite small for her age but she is absolutely gorgeous. You would just coo if you saw her.

I might post a picture of her later on...

Anyways, although quite young, she has been having some health issues. Having high fevers, i think even a seizure at one stage, it hasn't exactly been a good childhood so far. Recently, there has been some problems with her throat. I don't know the exact details, but I think there is some kind of lump that is in her throat. I saw her yesterday, and because of that lump, the sound of her coughing is raspy and it sounds like there is some phlegm in her throat. She'd actually gone to hospital because of that reason a while ago. Her tongue was all swollen and it was just unbearable to watch this tiny little baby on one of the big hospital beds, an IV in her arm. It just hurt my heart.

She's out of hospital already, but the problem is still there. I overheard yesterday that my auntie has booked for an operation to get rid of the lump soon, so that will be good. Although, I also heard there could be some side effects.

I also overheard yesterday that she might have slight autism. At the age of around 2 or 3, babies are usually able to talk a little, even if it's to sprout out nonsense that nobody but themselves and other babies can somehow understand. Yet, our little Victoria can not speak yet. She can only say "wee" over and over. After hearing that she had slight autism, I started to think over the habits that Victoria possessed.

Now, I'm no expert on autism, I've never research it or anything. But I have noticed that whenever Victoria came over to my house. She would love to go up the stairs. That's normal. Babies get fascinated by stairs. But, the thing with her is, she goes up the steps. Stops for a bit and then goes straight back down and then repeats the process all over again. She would run around the house, then stop at the stairs and go up again. It's just, she loves to repeat whatever she does, the same process. I noticed that yesterday as well. I was playing with her and she would do the same things over and over again. I'd let her walk, she would walk down the corridor, into the toilet and then touch the toilet. In the corridor, she would hold my hand, then crouch down and pull me down with her. Then she would stand up and pull me up as well. And then the process starts all over again.

When you hold her in your arms, she would not be able to stay still. She would twist and turn, sometimes even lean backwards, tilting her head all the way back.

It's rather worrying. But at the same time, I wouldn't have it any other way. No matter what happens, she is still my wonderful, adorable baby cousin.

It's horrible that at such a young age she has to go through so much pain and suffering. It breaks my hear to see her in pain. But I believe things will only get better. They always say that you have to overcome obstacles to see the brighter, better things in life. I truly hope that life will only get better for Victoria. I can only pray that it does.

Despite everything, and to sum it up using my title. I will always love Victoria, forever and for always, for who she is :)

~Aurora

Swamped in work

Hey guys.

I've been meaning to write in this blog for ages, as always. I suppose now is a good time as any, to give you guys an update on my life.

It's the start of year 12, and although it has only just begun, I'm feeling the pressure already. Now, I'm not sure if you guys know, but I love maths. Not in the obssessed, I do maths everyday kind of love, but the I'm actually good at maths and enjoy doing it. So, it would only be right that I chose 4 unit maths as one of my subjects for year 12.

I had actually been all excited about it. Ha! Looking back now, which isn't that far back, I just wanna laugh at my own naivety. 4 unit maths is much harder than I expected. with 3 periods for each unit, I am doing 12 out of 40 periods a week, of maths. It might not seem as bad, but having to do 3 unit and 4 unit maths within that time frame, having more than one exercise of homework a day, it is really horrible. To top it off, I go tutoring for 3 unit and 4 unit maths, both for 3 hours, on Saturday and Sunday. More maths homework!. I can honestly say that I really really really dislike maths right now, which is really surprising coming from my mouth.

I remember back last year I think, or was it this year. Some time or rather, the deputy principal at our school was talking to us about subject selections. When he got to 4 unit maths, he said "If you do 4 unit maths, you have to eat, drink and sleep maths". I had laughed back then. But now, I can only nod my head in agreement with that statement. That is a truly accurate statement.

I'm struggling to jugglee all this maths and still focus on all the other work that I have to get done. I could rant on and on about each subject and the amount of work that i have to do, but I shall spare you the detail since I'm sure you guys can all imagine it yourselves.

I really need to get organised with my work, and at the same time, I want to make sure that I leave myself some time to breathe. After all, you can't successfully swim if you don't come up for air once in a while.

I would love to go on and talk to you guys about more meaningful things but alas, I have to run to go and do some work.

I wish you guys all the best of luck and I shall try to blog again soon.

~Aurora