I feel so tired right now. There is so much on my plate and more just keeps coming. I can't keep up with it. I'm so frightened that the plate will overflow and I just won't be able to handle it.
I'm really worried about my mum. She's been having killer migraines. It started on Wednesday when she came home from work and went straight to the toilet to vomit. All you could hear was her retching in the toilet. A very unpleasant and scary situation. Jessica, with the help of myself, helped my mum get to bed and helped her try to become more comfortable before making ourselves dinner to eat. It was very worrisome. She hasn't gone to work since then. And she still gets headaches. Today my dad took her to the doctors. She apparently has high blood pressure. She told me that my grandpa died of high blood pressure because a blood vessel broke. It's scary how ever since my grandmother died, my mum has been sorta making jokes about dying. It's sickening really. How can she make such cruel jokes? The adults were talking about my mum getting a cat scan and drawing blood to check just in case. It sounds so serious. I'm really really worried about her.
Relatives from everywhere are coming to Australia soon, to attend the funeral. It's gonna be really hectic. I keep telling myself to concentrate because the SC is coming up really soon and I really don't want to fail. But I just can't get myself to concentrate or actually open the website to do some practice papers. I know I should. But I just can't be bothered. Vowing to do it tomorrow wouldn't help, because I never seem to keep the promises that I make with myself. I just hope that I will do my best and use what time I have spared to the best of my ability. I just want the SC to be over so I can worry about one less thing.
Tomorrow is the commemoration of my grandpa's death. The whole family is going over to my grandma's house to commemorate. It's gonna be a rowdy event. Which means I won't have the time to study. So I have to wake up early tomorrow to get some work done. I'm not sure what is happening on Sunday but I should probably take it one day at a time.
I scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to cope with everything that is happening. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders and that my shoulders have sagged down so low from all the weight that I am going to collapse from all of it.
Michelle mentioned how she didn't know if I was pretending to be happy and okay at school or if it was actually genuine. You know what? I really don't know myself. I guess I've pretended to be happy for so long that I can't even tell the difference between fake and genuine anymore. But I can honestly say I feel like shit at home. My only sanctuary is the korean drama that Lilian lent me. Which I have been watching 3 hours of each day. Very productive isn't it?
Funny how one single event can change my whole life completely. I'm frightened at the prospect of what will come next. What lies ahead is such a blurry mystery, the unpredicability of it is what makes me so afraid.
I wish there was someone out there who could save me. Who could hear my internal cries of help and somehow come to my rescue and give me whatever it is that I desire right now. Someone who could lift the weight off my shoulders and save me from the pain and suffering that I am going through.
I'm just so tired. So tired of everything in life. The motivation is practically non-existent and all that's left is an empty shell. An empty shell of a person who has just lost all that allows her to push on and move forward in this strange, unfamiliar world.
~Aurora
Friday, November 6, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
You don't know what it is worth until it is gone
Today, my grandmother passed away. I woke up to the sound of my dad telling my grandma that my grandmother had passed away. It seemed so surreal. All throughout the day at school, I could only contemplate on what was happening. What it really true? Maybe this is all just a bad dream. I just couldn't believe it.
I mean, to tell you the truth, I am not really close with my grandmother. But the thought of her passing away just makes me feel so down-hearted. So utterly despaired. The thought of losing someone that is so closely related to you is a really scary thought. I can only regret the harsh times that I treated her. My ignorance of not going to visit her when I had the oppotunity to. And now, I am only left regretting all that I could've done but did not do.
I remember a while back, my grandmother's children, a.k.a my aunties and uncles, were arguing over my grandmother. You see, my grandmother lives in all different houses, moving from one child's house to another's. And one of my uncle's wife had not wanted my grandmother to go over to her house to stay, saying that she had lots on her hands and couldn't handle having to look after my grandmother as well. Funny how she can't seem to do that but she can so easily accept the money granted to the caregiver of my grandmother so easily. The sad thing was, my grandmother's own son did not stand up for my grandmother. He sided with his wife. How cruel could that be? My parents usually work during the day and my grandma looks after the house and she even takes the time to look after my grandmother. She isn't even really related to my grandmother! And my grandmother's own daughter-in-law can't even do that?
My grandmother felt like such a burden. She considered going to retirement home. Thankfully her other children were able to persuade her that she was not a burden. I truely hope that in her last moments, she was feeling loved by all those that surrounded her and not have thought that she was a burden to the people around her.
In saying that my auntie was wrong to do what she did, I would have to look at my own case as well. I remember it was a few years back when my grandmother was staying at my house. I am always upstairs in the studying room on the computer and she is downstairs. My grandma had gone out that day and it was only me, my sister and my grandmother. Now, let me just say that I always respond to what my grandmother request when she calls for me, even if I get pissed at it. But this time when she called me, I was rather annoyed and abrupted screamed, not at her, but just screamed out in frustration. Later in the evening, I found out that she had cried because I had shouted at her. Ever since then I had sort of developed a little resentment at her.
And now, I can only repent. Repent for all the sins I had done to her. Repent for not visiting her and treating her fairly like she deserved to be treated. I yearn to beg for forgiveness from her, even though language acts as a barrier between us. But I can no longer get the chance to go this and my heart can only continue to ache in pain.
I know that deep down, under the resentment I had for her, I truly did love her. I admired all that she had achieved when she was younger. I remember hearing this story that my grandma had been telling a relative. My grandmother and grandfather had been rich a long time ago, when they were in Vietnam. They owned a fabric store, I think. And when there was the Vietnam War, my grandmother donated money to their workers in the fabric store to enable them to help their families and themselves pay to leave the dangerous country and go to a better, safer place to live. Such kindness and loyalty, I don't think I could ever possess. And yes, she was the grandmother in the short story I had written for my short story task in english for those who read it.
There was this saying once: You don't know what it is worth until it is gone. I can't begin to describe how true that statement is. She may not have been the most likeable grandmother I have ever had, but she was the only one. Losing someone is always a painful experience. I never wanted to experience such anguish, but here I am, experiencing it today.
It's funny. Whenever something big happens in your life, you usually expect the whole world to feel the same as you. But that is never the case. While your world stops, the world around you keeps on moving, with or without you. I never expected anyone to feel the same as what I was feeling, because it's not really something to do with them. But looking at them being so at ease, so happy and carefree, it was hard to watch. I could only float off into my own world, thinking of things that even I don't seem to recall.
Even at home, things seem to be normal. Only my mum, who had apparently been crying before, was different. It makes me feel so alone. Am I the only one that feels pain in her heart because of the loss of someone who is close to them? How come no one else seems to share the pain I am feeling? Is this all just a bad dream that I am experiencing? Will I wake up tomorrow to find that all this was just a horrible nightmare?
Of course, I know the answer to all of those questions. However, wishful thinking can sometimes be something that enables people to move forward in their life when they feel as if there is something blocking their roads ahead.
So, let's see what is happening this coming week:
Saturday: my family is going to my grandma's house to commemorate the death of my grandpa.
Sunday: my family is going to the actual graveyard where my grandpa lies to pay our respects (I may, or may not be going)
Monday: School Cert
Tuesday: School Cert and the funeral of my grandmother
Friday: School Cert Computer Skills Test
It's going to be a hectic week. I hope I will be able to make it through alive.
~Aurora
I mean, to tell you the truth, I am not really close with my grandmother. But the thought of her passing away just makes me feel so down-hearted. So utterly despaired. The thought of losing someone that is so closely related to you is a really scary thought. I can only regret the harsh times that I treated her. My ignorance of not going to visit her when I had the oppotunity to. And now, I am only left regretting all that I could've done but did not do.
I remember a while back, my grandmother's children, a.k.a my aunties and uncles, were arguing over my grandmother. You see, my grandmother lives in all different houses, moving from one child's house to another's. And one of my uncle's wife had not wanted my grandmother to go over to her house to stay, saying that she had lots on her hands and couldn't handle having to look after my grandmother as well. Funny how she can't seem to do that but she can so easily accept the money granted to the caregiver of my grandmother so easily. The sad thing was, my grandmother's own son did not stand up for my grandmother. He sided with his wife. How cruel could that be? My parents usually work during the day and my grandma looks after the house and she even takes the time to look after my grandmother. She isn't even really related to my grandmother! And my grandmother's own daughter-in-law can't even do that?
My grandmother felt like such a burden. She considered going to retirement home. Thankfully her other children were able to persuade her that she was not a burden. I truely hope that in her last moments, she was feeling loved by all those that surrounded her and not have thought that she was a burden to the people around her.
In saying that my auntie was wrong to do what she did, I would have to look at my own case as well. I remember it was a few years back when my grandmother was staying at my house. I am always upstairs in the studying room on the computer and she is downstairs. My grandma had gone out that day and it was only me, my sister and my grandmother. Now, let me just say that I always respond to what my grandmother request when she calls for me, even if I get pissed at it. But this time when she called me, I was rather annoyed and abrupted screamed, not at her, but just screamed out in frustration. Later in the evening, I found out that she had cried because I had shouted at her. Ever since then I had sort of developed a little resentment at her.
And now, I can only repent. Repent for all the sins I had done to her. Repent for not visiting her and treating her fairly like she deserved to be treated. I yearn to beg for forgiveness from her, even though language acts as a barrier between us. But I can no longer get the chance to go this and my heart can only continue to ache in pain.
I know that deep down, under the resentment I had for her, I truly did love her. I admired all that she had achieved when she was younger. I remember hearing this story that my grandma had been telling a relative. My grandmother and grandfather had been rich a long time ago, when they were in Vietnam. They owned a fabric store, I think. And when there was the Vietnam War, my grandmother donated money to their workers in the fabric store to enable them to help their families and themselves pay to leave the dangerous country and go to a better, safer place to live. Such kindness and loyalty, I don't think I could ever possess. And yes, she was the grandmother in the short story I had written for my short story task in english for those who read it.
There was this saying once: You don't know what it is worth until it is gone. I can't begin to describe how true that statement is. She may not have been the most likeable grandmother I have ever had, but she was the only one. Losing someone is always a painful experience. I never wanted to experience such anguish, but here I am, experiencing it today.
It's funny. Whenever something big happens in your life, you usually expect the whole world to feel the same as you. But that is never the case. While your world stops, the world around you keeps on moving, with or without you. I never expected anyone to feel the same as what I was feeling, because it's not really something to do with them. But looking at them being so at ease, so happy and carefree, it was hard to watch. I could only float off into my own world, thinking of things that even I don't seem to recall.
Even at home, things seem to be normal. Only my mum, who had apparently been crying before, was different. It makes me feel so alone. Am I the only one that feels pain in her heart because of the loss of someone who is close to them? How come no one else seems to share the pain I am feeling? Is this all just a bad dream that I am experiencing? Will I wake up tomorrow to find that all this was just a horrible nightmare?
Of course, I know the answer to all of those questions. However, wishful thinking can sometimes be something that enables people to move forward in their life when they feel as if there is something blocking their roads ahead.
So, let's see what is happening this coming week:
Saturday: my family is going to my grandma's house to commemorate the death of my grandpa.
Sunday: my family is going to the actual graveyard where my grandpa lies to pay our respects (I may, or may not be going)
Monday: School Cert
Tuesday: School Cert and the funeral of my grandmother
Friday: School Cert Computer Skills Test
It's going to be a hectic week. I hope I will be able to make it through alive.
~Aurora
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