I feel so tired right now. There is so much on my plate and more just keeps coming. I can't keep up with it. I'm so frightened that the plate will overflow and I just won't be able to handle it.

I'm really worried about my mum. She's been having killer migraines. It started on Wednesday when she came home from work and went straight to the toilet to vomit. All you could hear was her retching in the toilet. A very unpleasant and scary situation. Jessica, with the help of myself, helped my mum get to bed and helped her try to become more comfortable before making ourselves dinner to eat. It was very worrisome. She hasn't gone to work since then. And she still gets headaches. Today my dad took her to the doctors. She apparently has high blood pressure. She told me that my grandpa died of high blood pressure because a blood vessel broke. It's scary how ever since my grandmother died, my mum has been sorta making jokes about dying. It's sickening really. How can she make such cruel jokes? The adults were talking about my mum getting a cat scan and drawing blood to check just in case. It sounds so serious. I'm really really worried about her.

Relatives from everywhere are coming to Australia soon, to attend the funeral. It's gonna be really hectic. I keep telling myself to concentrate because the SC is coming up really soon and I really don't want to fail. But I just can't get myself to concentrate or actually open the website to do some practice papers. I know I should. But I just can't be bothered. Vowing to do it tomorrow wouldn't help, because I never seem to keep the promises that I make with myself. I just hope that I will do my best and use what time I have spared to the best of my ability. I just want the SC to be over so I can worry about one less thing.

Tomorrow is the commemoration of my grandpa's death. The whole family is going over to my grandma's house to commemorate. It's gonna be a rowdy event. Which means I won't have the time to study. So I have to wake up early tomorrow to get some work done. I'm not sure what is happening on Sunday but I should probably take it one day at a time.

I scared. I'm scared that I won't be able to cope with everything that is happening. I feel like the whole world is on my shoulders and that my shoulders have sagged down so low from all the weight that I am going to collapse from all of it.

Michelle mentioned how she didn't know if I was pretending to be happy and okay at school or if it was actually genuine. You know what? I really don't know myself. I guess I've pretended to be happy for so long that I can't even tell the difference between fake and genuine anymore. But I can honestly say I feel like shit at home. My only sanctuary is the korean drama that Lilian lent me. Which I have been watching 3 hours of each day. Very productive isn't it?

Funny how one single event can change my whole life completely. I'm frightened at the prospect of what will come next. What lies ahead is such a blurry mystery, the unpredicability of it is what makes me so afraid.

I wish there was someone out there who could save me. Who could hear my internal cries of help and somehow come to my rescue and give me whatever it is that I desire right now. Someone who could lift the weight off my shoulders and save me from the pain and suffering that I am going through.

I'm just so tired. So tired of everything in life. The motivation is practically non-existent and all that's left is an empty shell. An empty shell of a person who has just lost all that allows her to push on and move forward in this strange, unfamiliar world.

~Aurora