Hi.

It's been a while hasn't it? I have a lot to say, a lot of things that have been on my chest for a very long time that i haven't been able to convey to anyone.

Firstly, there is friendship. Scarlet joining the group had been a really unexpected situation. I have constantly been tossing between not minding it to holding doubts about it. I don't understand myself. I mean, Scarlet is a great person. I've known her since yr 4, not on a very close level, but close enough to be considered a very good friend. But there seems to be something holding me back from accepting her.

A few days back, she had expressed how she thought i was practically like her best friend, although she said she couldn't really call me that since she hadn't exactly done anything for me like i had apparently done for her. On mufti day, i noticed she wore the bracelet i gave her, those bracelets where you can get a pair for you and your best friend which i had given to her one birthday. She called me kind, nice and all these other nice things, but i'm none of the things she says i am.

I don't know what to do. I can hardly speak properly with her anymore. I find it awfully awkward and it's really a shame. I don't want to ruin our friendship over something like this. Something that shouldn't be that big of a problem, but something that i have somehow blown over proportion, overreacted. I am really annoyed at myself but at the same time, very confused.

Which brings me on to my next problem: Raeanne. Thinking about Scarlet entering our group, makes me think back to Rae. I really really miss her. No words can describe how much i want to just talk to her right now, to see her again. I find myself always scrolling down the list of people online on msn, searching for her. Checking my emails to see if she sent me any emails. Even going as far as to going on facebook and seeing what she has been up to. My lord, i've turned into a freaken stalker!

I just really miss her. I miss her quirks, her strange ways and just her easy going attitude, always creating an uplifting atmosphere. She knows exactly what to do to make people feel welcome and certainly knows how to break up an awkward situation...although, i can't say the same for when we speak on the phone. Hehe. Hopefully i can talk to her soon.

Then, we have the family problem. I supposed things have died down a lot, but i can't help but feel resentful towards my mum. I know i shouldn't, she has done nothing wrong, rather, i have done something wrong to her. It's just, my mum and i have never been very close..not since my little sister came along. I have never really had heart to heart conversations with her. So when she decides to make an input in my life, i am naturally closed off and just brush her off in a very irritated tone. She would then scold me, telling me not to, and i quote 'Don't be like your sister!".

She says that about everything, i swear. Even since my sister and my mum had a feud, whatever we don't do right or if we give attitude, my mum would be like 'Don't be like your sister". It is absolutely frustrating! I mean, how about if it has nothing to do with my oldest sister. Not everything revolves around her. We have our own opinions and characteristics.

On Saturday, my mum reached her final straw when my little sister got irritated that my mum was helping her cook her egg. My mum called us disrespectful and said she didn't know how she could have given birth to us when we were so inconsiderate and treated her so badly. She said she wasn't here so we could have a go at her.

I should've been sorry. I should've felt bad. And i did, but i also felt so annoyed at her. She has a right to blow up at us. I know this. But i was pissed off at her for it. I can't even look at her straight anymore and our conversations are strained.

I'm just so tired of everything. I wish i could just sleep for eternity so then i won't have to worry about things. But i can't..i have to live on.

~Aurora