It's been a while

Hey guys!

It's been a while hasn't it? Geez...reading back over the past few posts, i find myself revisiting those moments. Good news is that the friendship problem has been resolved...actually, it was resolved ages ago but..hehe..

I am now faced with another problem that i shall now load onto you guys.
I don't know why, how or exactly when but i've been feeling pretty down (coz depressed is too strong a word to use) lately. The strange thing is that i only feel it at night. I've talked to my friends about it and discussed it, trying desperately to find a reason for these sudden mood swings and i finally sort of found a reason for it. We, my friend and i, decided that i was lost. As in, i haven't exactly found who i am, my real self. I've been shifting from this cheerful, hyper-active girl at school to a quiet, shy girl in front of people i don't know to a bitchy, pissy freak at home and i just don't know what to expect.

Right now, i just feel like crying and i don't know why. It's like, sometimes, i just suddenly have urges to cry and it's so strange. People said being a teenager was hard and that we go through all these moody stages or something along those lines. But nothing could prepare me for what i am going through now.

It's so fustrating. All i want is for these feelings to leave, so i can be cheerful and happy and just live life to the fullest. But i can't. All i can do is just do everything i can to get past the day and go on to the next one, hoping that one day i can wake up and feel all better again. But i know that it isn't that simple. I realise that i have to find myself...god, sounds so sappy. But like...just search for an answer. However, it's easier said than done. I don't know what exactly i am looking for so how can i even search for it.

I don't even recognise myself anymore. It's like, i'm not really living. Just passing by the days and it's killing me inside. I don't know who to talk to that would understand me either. It's so hard. I mean, i know i have my friends and family supporting me and that they would listen to me when i want to talk to someone. But i don't think that they would really understand what i am going through. I really need someone who understands me, what i am going through. Someone who can be my 'rock', as my friend so kindly puts it. But where will i find such a person?

One friend suggested that maybe i am looking for a boyfriend. But i don't think that is true. I can barely talked to a guy, let alone get a boyfriend. Besides, i really don't think that is what i need right now. But i get what she is trying to grasp at.

I also feel a lot more tired nowadays. I don't know if it's because i sleep a little later or maybe because i wake up a little earlier, but yea. I just feel so tired at school. I'm also getting really lazy. I can barely restrain myself to get work done. It's definately not good at all.

I'm basically totally messed up right now and i just don't know where to go from here. But i'm glad to have gotten that out of my system. I feel a little better :)

~Aurora