Hello.
Today doesn't seem to be a very good day for me. I'm scared i'm returning back into the darkness once more. It's amazing how fast my emotions can change. One day i'm happy and crazy, the next i'm depressed and emotionless.
I had a fight with my mum today. It's frightening because that has never really happened to me before...not for a very long time anyways. I just...blew up. One minute we were speaking fine and the next she was telling me not be get jealous/pissed and i just exploded. I mean, i wasn't jealous or pissed but the mere fact that she is always telling me not be jealous/pissed when i wasn't going to be or was just made me so pissed off. How ironic. And i just shouted at her, telling her that whenever she says that i go from not being pissed off to being pissed. And geez..she says that i look like i'm pissed...greeeeaaattt, just what i want to hear. So i just ignore her even when she says sorry because i just couldn't take it.
It's scary because usually i can keep my feelings at bay. But god, i don't know what i have turned into. Haha, they say karma comes and bites you in the butt. It certainly did to me. I was hungry and my dad had said to eat the old stuff to get it out of the way. So i went and microwaved the food only to realise it was off. Then i decided to go eat the other food he suggested only to find out it was something i wasn't very fond of.
I don't know what the hell is going on again. I'm worried about what i am turning into. I don't want to argue with my mum. I'm usually the one keeping the peace or at least avoiding any arguments, not the one starting them.
On another note, i am also worried about Rae. I don't know if it is just me overanalysing things but i dunno...she seems to be very silent during lunchtimes. Not really talking to the group. I'm scared she's trying to distant herself from us subtly. It doesn't seem the case since she seems fine..but maybe she has a mask on like me...or not. I'm just paranoid i suppose. It hurts that we aren't as close as we usually were. I actually think we are drifting apart and that is something i don't want happening, especially during these last few weeks. But god, i just don't know what to say when i am around her.
I just feel so shit about everything.
~Aurora
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Behind every beauty, there is sadness. Behind every smile, there is a hint of unhappiness. Nothing is perfect, but it is imperfection that makes us unique.
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2 comments:
Hey Aurora,
Have I ever told you that you suit your nickname? Aurora means dawn- the twilight before sunrise. To me, that means you're always going to be the cool, loyal person that I know you are. You ARE the peacemaker,especially in our group- and hey, you can't always be the peacemaker wherever you go! We all change- seriously, we ALL do. We're all different people at home, at school, at swimming classes, in the toilet :P. We all change- we all have these facades- and although they seem false on the outside, it's actually the things that make up who we are.
And Aurora, you are so not bad compared to me. Do you know what I do at home? I talk back, I scream, I shout, I get pissed and I always make excuses not to help my parents. Yes, I am that bad, I admit it. And although it pains me that I'm so mean to my parents, I know that deep down I love them, and that's what really counts. Your love. Sure, your actions might not be good sometimes, but hey, who is really perfect all the time? The answer, no one is. So don't feel bad. Please. Your mum truly cares about you- she's telling you to smile more, a sign that she cares how're you're feeling. Give her a hug, or just even a smile, and she'll warm up inside all over again. :)
Oh yeah, and the Rae thing. I think I'm starting to sense that too. Like she's distancing herself a little- she's not as talkative as before. But, I don't know, I kiind of sense that only when she's with the group... but I think that when she's with someone individually, she's herself again. I don't know why though...
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