the pressure

Hey guys,

I know it's been a long time since I've blogged...once again. There were times when I did feel like blogging, but at those times, my computer was usually off and by the time I actually turned the computer back on, my thoughts all but disappear and I would sit at the computer at a loss of what to write. But I feel that this time, just this once, I have to get this out.

It starts on Tuesday. I was feeling very cold, shivering although it wasn't that cold, as well as, feeling very fatigued. I somehow managed to survive the whole day without having to go to sickbay (mostly because I was too stubborn to go), although I did end up falling asleep in my last two periods. When I got home I had some medicine before sleeping straight out until 9. I hadn't ate much and really, i didn't have much of an apetite to begin with but I did end up having some congee because I needed to have some energy. I bummed around for a bit before going back to sleep.

I took a day off on Wednesday because I was in no state to go to school. I was still feeling very fatigued (part of the reason because I hadn't eaten much the day before) and I had a bit of a stomach ache. I literally slept for 12 hours, only waking up at 10:30am because I knew I shouldn't waste all of my time sleeping. It took me quite a while to actually get out of bed seeing as I didn't have much energy. It took quite an effort to brush my teeth and slowly, swaying a bit, haul myself downstairs to get something to eat. I made a mistake of eating too much that day. Doing nothing really except a bit of business studies and some other homework, eat and watch stuff on the internet. I didn't even give a thought to studying for maths, which I would later regret. I only realised I should get a move on with my maths towards the end of the day, where I probably only studied for an hour. I slept quite early that day...well, earlier than usual anyways.

I woke up at around 3am, calmly taking off my gloves which I wear to keep my hands warm, and walked to the bathroom before realising in a panic that I needed to puke. Obviously it was a bad idea for me to eat a lot the day after eating practically nothing. And let me give you a tip: when you are feeling like puking, it's not very nice to have a hot water bottle on your stomach because it just irritates it more. Anyways...that was the first time in a long time that I actually puked, and it definitely isn't something that I want to repeat if I can help it. Feeling gross, I brushed my teeth and went downstairs to steal a mint from my dad's car :D. My grandma, the dear soul she is, woke up from the noise I was making (I sleep in the same room as her) and offered to do rub some oint on me to help soothe me, but I declined. It was 3 in the morning, I would rather her sleep than worry over something as small as what had just happened. Besides, I was feeling better. I slept for a little bit more before waking up at 4:30am to watch Australia vs Serbia in the World Cup. I must say, Australia did a marvelous job in their match. I felt that their defence was excellent and they really did try their best. While they did win, they didn't end up making it into the top 16 :( Which is very unfortunate. I believe that if they hadn't had so many obstacles in their way i.e. the coach trying a 'new tactic', which caused them to lose badly against Germany, and then losing 2 players in their match again Ghana, they would've been able to make it through. But what's done is done and I guess I'm proud of what they were able to show to the rest of the world in their last match, even though they didn't make it.

Anyways...I was still feeling a little strange in the stomach at school but it wasn't anything too bad. And I watched what I ate, being aware not to eat too much. Got home, studied for maths seriously because I realised that I was running out of time and then went to sleep.

Friday.

The lead up to the test was really...I dunno...pressuring? I dunno if I've mentioned this in previous posts but even since I'd gotten 100% for both my 2 unit and 3 unit maths tests, everyone has constantly been putting me on a pedestal? Always mentioning the 100%, always saying "you're so good at maths, miss I got 100% for both my maths tests". I'm proud of what I got...but ever since hearing all these comments, I almost wish I didn't get it. Also, I don't mind people asking me maths questions, in fact, I am flattered and honoured to be able to help someone in something that they don't understand that I might. But, when I don't get the question, I hate it when they would give you the "are you for real?" look as if it's impossible that SHOCK. HORROR. Miss I got 100% for both my maths tests can't get a question! It is absolutely horrible. That's what I mean by putting me on a pedestal. Now everyone assumes that I can get nothing wrong and I understand every single maths question. But excuse me, I'm human too. I also make mistakes, and it just doesn't seem that some people understand this. Also, I have high expectations on myself. I know that Maths is my best subject. I aim high and I get really upset when I am not able to achieve high results because I rely on maths to prove to myself that I am able to be good at something. And with the added pressure of everyone else who expects so high of me, it's really suffocating.

Anyways...I was getting really worried about the 3 unit maths test because I had a dreaded feeling about it and I knew at the back of my mind that I was not prepared for it. But whenever I would voice this out, people would say that I'd get 100% since I obviously got it for my previous ones. I felt so frustrated.

Going into the test, I was so freaked out. During the test I just spazzed. I tried to manage my time carefully but it was really hard. I ended up skipping the ones that I didn't understand and racing against the time to finish the paper, I didn't even get time to go back to the questions that I couldn't get, let alone check the paper. I felt so defeated, taking into account the ones that I didn't get to do as well as the silly mistakes which I might have made during my rush to attempt all the questions, I was bound to not do so well. I almost cried walking out of the room. I just felt so horrible.

To make matters worse, everyone outside was questioning me, whether I was able to finish the paper and how I went. People were saying "I bet you'll get 100%" and stuff like that and it just made me wanna cry even more. Thankfully I sucked it up and didn't. And Vanessa, god bless her soul, directly me off the topic and onto something else.

I just feel so tired and so upset about all of this. I'm sick and tired of all this talk about my maths results, and yet I can do nothing to stop them coming. I can only smile and brush it off, even though each comment leaves a small dent in my heart. I feel so constricted, so tired down.

That's why I cannot wait for the holidays to come. I know that I still have to find a new modern topic to do and I have to really get a move on with my BRT presentation. But right now, I can only look forward to the holidays and I hope that I'll be able to catch a break and start to breathe again. Of course, I need to catch up on all my work and work on a lot of stuff that is due next term, but just knowing that I'll be able to sleep in and watch stuff, go out, even just to the park, makes me feel happy and a little better.

The maths test was absoultely horrible. But it's the past now and there is nothing I can do about it now. I gotta just let it go now. So, while I still feel pained inside, I have to push on. Today, in the early hours of the morning, I shall allow myself to mourn over the test which I did badly in, but later today, it is a new day. And with a new day, there is a new beginning. And all I can do is push on and do the best I can.

AZA AZA Fighting!

~Aurora