Dilemma: English

Hey guys,

I just got back from english tutor this morning. So you are probably wondering what is the meaning behind the title. Don't worry, I'll get to that. But first I should probably give a little background information so that you guys can get a better understanding.

I am no fan of english. That much is true. I find that english is not very straightforward and the fact that there can be more than one answer to any question just throws me off my course. That's exactly why I like maths because most of the time there is only one answer to the question, but that's besides the point.

Anyways, recently, I'd handed in my school exam to my tutor Helen for her to look over it and give me feedback because I didn't do as well as I had expected. I had also handed an essay which I had to do for tutor. Well, I got it back today, as well as some feedback.

She said that I can really write. She's notice that when I like a question and can understand it, I am "on fire" (her words not mine). I can write some of the best responses. But then there are times when I don't like the question and she finds that I don't write as well. And she can't seem to understand that. She says I can write some of the best introductions and my first paragraph is brilliant, but then I start to lose steam or run out of time and I get lazy and my expression gets sloppy and I start to deteriorate. I know exactly what she means, she completely nailed my problem.

She also mentioned my slight problem for reiterating things. And I must admit that I do it.

She told me that I need to have confidence in what I do, to believe that I have discussed a point thoroughly enough and to move on. She said I could give my oldest sister Belinda, who was one of her best students, a run for her money. Which I find absolutely absurd!

She asked me what I thought my problem was and I told her straight "I don't find that I am good at english". She just scoffed.

And here lies my dilemma. She told me that I have to believe in myself, believe in my writing. But how can I when I really do think that I am not good at english? I know my expression is sloppy but I don't know how I can fix it. I do really well in tutor, I get really good marks for my homework and for tests that she sets us, but I always feel like she must've made a mistakes, must've read something entirely different because I believe that the work I do is not as good, not as deserving for the marks that she gives me. Even at school, I do and hand stuff in class and my english teacher praises me for my work. But when I look at it myself, I get really confused because I see an entirely different paper than what they think is there. And the fact that my marks in my exams at school aren't exactly the best serves to prove my point. And I begin to get so confused.

I just...I really believe that I am not good at english. But everyone else thinks otherwise.

I really need to gain some confidence in my english don't I? Obviously my lack of confidence in my english is not helping my situation. But I can't help but think that way because all my life I have had this idea, this opinion of myself, of my english as being really bad. Something that I can't seem to fix.

And it seems to all boil down to my confidence, or should i say, my lack of self esteem. I wish I could be as confident as some of the other people out there. But I'm not and I don't know how to. I obviously need to, in order to improve my english because I really do wanna do well.

So what do you guys think? Any advice? Thoughts? Opinions? And ideas because I really need some advice.

~Aurora