Update #3

Hello hello!

This probably doesn't really mean much but...

This is my 100th post!

Haha...I can't believe I've finally reached it. But hey, this doesn't really mean I'll be posting anything special in this post. It'll just be me rambling on about the discontents of my life. Keke..sorry if I got your hopes up ;)

So...my exams are coming up. Of course, I am absolutely petrified. Thinking about this past 2 weeks, staying after school to study. You would think I got a lot done but that is totally not the case. It was more of a maths session more than anything else and apart from a pretty effective business session one time, I have done nothing else. And it frustrates me to no end because I have wasted all this time and I've done practically nothing.

This time round, the exams are not like the ones I had previously done. These exams are the first ones that really count towards my HSC, towards my future and that really really scares the wits out of me.

Yesterday night, while laying in bed listening to some sad piano music (yes, I know it probably sounds very emo, but face it, that's my life :P), I started to think of what will happen to me in these exams. I really needed to kick myself in the ass for being so lazy all this time when I could've been doing some very productive things but I also knew that that would had no effect on me whatsoever and there was really no point in berating myself over something that I could not go back and fix. So instead, I made a vow to myself that I must start studying from the next day, which is today. And no, just because I am here right now writing a post, it does not mean that I have already given up on that vow. I will stick to it!

Too many times, I have made promises to myself that I never seem to be able to keep and time and time again I feel such disappointment with myself. This time, those feeling will not occur because I plan to keep my vow no matter what.

It was also yesterday and, actually, the past few weeks that I realised how important believing yourself really is. It is only through that strong belief that you have in yourself that you are able to gather up the confidence and thus, do well. Low self-esteem can really affect a person. And I know that everyone is probably aware of that, but to me, I realised just how big an impact one's self confidence can be.

Knowing me, you all should know that I have very bad self-esteem. I was recently talking to me friend as we were walking back from a study session and I was telling her about my low self-esteem.

I tend to be very harsh on myself, always setting really high goals that I must achieve. And while most of them time I don't achieve them, there are actually times that I do. And sometimes I really surprise myself at my ability to attain high results. And maybe it's because it's too surprising, but I overlook those excellent results and instead, I focus on the bad ones and just look down on myself. I guess, I can't really accept that I am smart no matter how many times people tell me I am and no matter how good my results are. Because tattooed to my heart, my mind are the words:

You are not smart

No matter how many times I prove to myself I can't seem to get rid of that label. And even though I know that I am doing that to myself, I still can't stop. And I'm trying. I really am. I do what to believe what everyone else sees in me, no matter how impossible it seems to me.

My tutor said that I just need the confidence in myself, to trust myself that I can answer the questions, that I am good at english. And I realised how true that is. These past few weeks, my confidence in my english has really gone down to a low, even lower that before, and it has really shown in terms of my marks. I need to believe in myself. Especially since my exams are coming up really soon. If there was a time that I really needed to look myself in the mirror and tell myself to snap out of it, it would be now.

I'm going to do it. No matter how long it takes, at the end of the battle, the winner of this internal battle of mine will definitely be the positive side. I want that confidence. No, I need that confidence and I need it now and I'm gonna fight until I get it.

So yeah, I was gonna talk about something else (which I have already forgotten), but I'm sure what I have already written is quite enough for one day. It's a lot to take in.

I wish everyone the best of luck for the up coming exams if you have any that is. And for all those people who have the same self esteem problems as me, I hope that we can all fight this internal battle of ours and come out victorious.

Fighting!

~Aurora